The Dateable Dork

After the typical days-long period of radio-silence after he left my apartment, Hot Marine magically reappears in my inbox with the following absolutely delightful message:

You should tell your blog audience how you’ve totally changed your appearance since I saw you last.  You are amazingly beautiful.  I was beyond stunned when I saw you and felt how deliciously-sexy-thin you are.  Wow.  Your hair, too - ever so hot.

Let’s recap, shall we?

• 12-week session of Weight Watchers: $144
• Bottle of curl-construct mousse: $2.99
• 2 months of depriving myself of fat, cheese, and sugar: torture
• Being called “deliciously-sexy-thin” by a guy who makes me melt: priceless

Yeah, it was totally worth it.  : )

Remember a few months ago when I had a fantastically torrid and completely imaginary affair with the Subway Adonis?  Well, lately I’m finding a Subway Adonis in every car of every subway that I happen to find myself on, and suffice it to say, there’s an adonis everywhere I look.  Oh, the humanity!  Men of New York, why must you torture me so?  The absolute worst is in the morning when the concentration of adoni (?) is at its peak.  You know what I’m talking about here - the men are fresh out of the shower, hair still a little wet, clean-shaven, cologne freshly applied, suit perfectly pressed, shoes shiny, all clean and fresh and ready to go.  Ohhhhh, how adorable they are, just standing there with their iPod headphones in their ears and a copy of the Wall Street Journal, probably on their way to some hedge fund where they make more than triple my salary.  But oh, the crispness of their shirt collars, the last remnants of sleep in their eyes, that little spot on their necks that is just BEGGING to be licked.

Yes, that’s right, I have an absolutely uncontrollable desire to lick their necks.  Do not question my craziness, for it is deeply established and utterly inexplicable.  One must simply accept these things for what they are.  I am surrounded by these well-dressed, clean-shaven, 30-something men as I fly through the belly of the city, and while I should be focusing on the day ahead, all I can think about is the scrumptious taste of those soft, clean necks on my wet, hungry, man-deprived tongue.  God only knows what I would give for a sudden, sharp turn on the tracks that would involuntarily launch me toward one of the gorgeous adoni, my tongue outstretched for just a meager sampling of their delicious nectar. 

Boys, watch out for me tomorrow morning.  I don’t know how much longer I can restrain myself.  : )

Ohhhhhhh, my dears, can we all just take a minute to bask in the intoxicating sex glow that’s been hovering over me since Friday night?  : )  I’ve gotta say, I’m SO glad I did it.  There’s an endless internal debate over whether getting involved with Hot Marine is worth all the aggravation, the disappointment, the frustration, the arguing… but this time, it was TOTALLY worth it.  God DAMN, that felt sooooooo good.  Ahhhhhh.  I’m loving it.  I love men.  I love sex.  And I love getting pounded like a naughty little minx by a fucking HOT ex-Marine.  DAMN.

Click below for the down and dirty play-by-play.  Oh come on, you know this is going to be good.  : )

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I was dehydrated, but it totallly still counts.  There are no words.  : )

Sometimes doing something wrong feels oh-so-right.  Looks like I’ll have a juicy update tomorrow.  : )

Dudes, today was quite the day, wasn’t it?  Shit was going down left and right, and I watched it all unfold from the comfort of my couch (I took a sick day from work) and listened as my cell phone rang off the hook.  First Farrah Fawcett, which we were all anticipating… then Michael Jackson, which, while not quite a complete shock (there had been rumors about his ailing health floating around over the past few months), still came without warning.  Two absolute icons of American pop culture, signing off just hours apart.  What a day for the media, huh?

As if that news wasn’t heavy enough, my company dropped a bombshell on us this morning - we’ve been sold to a giant conglomerate.  WTF??????  This news came as a complete shock to everyone, including upper management and all the staff.  Apparently no one knew except the shareholders and various admins who signed non-disclosure agreements.  I am absolutely reeling from the news, for several reasons: (1) we’ve been told over and over again that the company’s financial status was holding steady through the recession and that we had “nothing to worry about;” (2) our CEO has always been an extremely honest and transparent guy, giving very informal and off-the-cuff speeches when addressing the staff, but today his speech was disingenuous and over-rehearsed - what happened???; and (3) the giant conglomerate has long been regarded as working for the other side of the fence (i.e., the “bad guys”) in my line of work, and since we’ve been working for the “good guys” all these years, I feel like (a) we’ve been sold out, and (b) we’re going to lose our clients due to conflict of interest.  NOT COOL, PEOPLE!  Not to mention the fact that, while management is insisting that no layoffs are planned, everything “will be evaluated” over the next 18-24 months.  So much for my precious job security!

People, there is only so much I can handle, especially while I’m not feeling well, and all this heavy news today just knocked me on my ass.  Everything is still processing, especially the job-related stuff.  I’m going to tune into the Farrah/Michael special on NBC tonight and try to get some rest before showing my face in the office tomorrow for what I expect to be quite an interesting day.

Help! I’m in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?

Oh, Mike Myers, you crack me up.  Anyway peeps, it seems like I have a lot of random shit going on these days.  Not much of it is very interesting, but I’ll throw it all at you anyway.  No different from any other post, right?  : )

I’m getting sick

Remember over the weekend when I went on a wild-animals-of-New-York pseudo-safari in the middle of the night, in the rain, with my college roommate and some other chick who I’m not all that crazy about?  Yeah, I’d like to forget it, but apparently my body has a different agenda.  I don’t think I mentioned it in the earlier post, but that other chick was just getting over a nasty case of bronchitis or something, and although all I did was give her a hug hello and goodbye, I somehow managed to catch that shit and am now stuck with a mega-sore throat and some tell-tale I’m-about-to-get-sick symptoms.  Yuck.  And also: god damn it!!!  WTF, people???  It’s not like I stuck my tongue down her throat or something.  I was feeling like shit at work all day and might attempt to work from home tomorrow in the comfort of my pajamas and in the absence of the sub-arctic temperatures at the over-air-conditioned office.  Blah.

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Dear pussy,

Remember me?  It’s DD, you long-lost friend.  You know, the person who carries you around all day, cleans you, grooms you, keeps you nice and fresh and perky.  What’s that you say?  You’re hungry?  Well, yes, I know… but unfortunately I’ve got nothing to offer you these days.  The cupboards are bare, my dear, and you’ll have to just live off all the memories of cocks gone by.  You know, all the juicy pieces of man-meat that you’ve encountered through the years, welcoming them into your home, making them feel oh-so-good, allowing them to make you shudder with delight.  Yes yes, I know, memories are just not good enough, but come on, pussy!  You had some fun back in the day.  Hang on a little while longer, my dear, and pretty soon you’ll be rewarded for your patience.

I know it’s been a rough year for you, but I’ve tried to keep you going with plenty of crappy internet porn and masturbation.  Don’t you enjoy our time together?  Pussy, speak up, I can’t hear you… I said, don’t you enjoy our time together???  Hello???  Oh, don’t go all silent on me now.  I can’t handle a revolt at this point, so just bear with me here.  Please pussy, for the sake of our sanity.  I need you on my side here.

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There’s something about an old college friend that you just can’t get anywhere else, you know?  The kind of friendship that will last forever, though all the crap life manages to throw at you, through all the new apartments and new jobs and new relationships and whatever else keeps on changing as the years go by.  College friends are friends for life.  When you’ve shared a dorm room the size of a small walk-in closet with someone, slept 6 inches away from them for an entire year because there was no place else to put the ghetto loft beds, stayed up all night with them studying, drinking, partying, or drowning your dating troubles with them over a bottle of peach Schnapps or a Schaefer Light… well, you just can’t form bonds any stronger than that.  Plus, they always make you feel like you’re 21 again, and let’s face it - 21 wasn’t exactly an ideal age, but it was a HELL of a lot of fun.  : )

I spent this past weekend with my old college roommate - a girl who I lived with for four years in undergrad, who made me maid of honor at her wedding (aww), and who I probably only see once every two years or so because we’ve put a bunch of hours and a few hundred miles in between us since our college days.  But oh, it was so great to see her again!  It’s amazing how much an old friend can cheer you up, and damn, seeing this girl again was exactly what I needed.  I feel so much more like myself around her than my local friends, particularly because - and you’ll love this - she’s a raunchy sex-kitten just like myself, and I can *finally* have a chance to talk without all the filters that normally shackle my true personality.  It was so refreshing to just be myself for a change!  Ahhh, like a much-needed breath of fresh air. 

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OMG, peeps, I’m exhausted.  I had a seriously busy week last week, and this weekend was just packed with stuff, one thing right after the other.  You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to getting home from work at a normal hour tomorrow and having the entire evening to myself!  God, I can’t freaking wait for that.  It’s already past my bedtime tonight, and I just got home from visiting my family a little while ago - a trip that completely ate up my day and put me in a pretty foul mood, what with all the nagging parents, screaming children, and fucking ridiculous bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way there AND back.  I fucking hate New York sometimes!  This traffic has GOT to go.

I had planned on doing a proper weekend update tonight, but the fucking traffic ate up what was supposed to be my blogging time.  Damn it all to hell!  Better update tomorrow, I promise (unless work is still crazy, in which case… well… I don’t even want to consider that as an option).  Hope you all had a great weekend, and Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there.  I actually had a really fun weekend (despite my crappy mood tonight), and I’m excited to share the details.  Until tomorrow, my dears…  : )