The Dateable Dork

Today I’ve been thinking about all the things I look for in a prospective date, and how I actually manage to find guys who meet all my criteria, and how despite this, I’m still single.  I feel pretty comfortable saying that Hot Marine, the new male prospect, and New Year’s Lips all met each and every one of my dating criteria, and much more… and somehow none of them is just quite right.  So I humbly present to you The Dateable Dork’s List of Dating Requirements, and I ask you, what am I missing?

Totally MUST HAVE requirements (i.e., if you don’t have all of these, you’ve got no chance in hell, period):

- Has never been married.  No damaged goods, please.  I want a clean slate to work with.  No psycho ex-wife, no wedding video from your first marriage, no recycling the ring.  Nothing. 

- No kids.  If I wanted kids, I’d have my own.  Enough said.

- Is at least as old as me, preferably a few years older.  Through experience (and I cannot emphasize enough that I am speaking from experience here, and not making an unfounded sweeping generalization), I’ve learned that I cannot date men younger than me due to the difference in maturity, stage of life, etc.  I like to date men in the 30-35 range.  This works for me.  I do not question it.

- Is not a virgin.  Without getting into too much detail, suffice it to say that I once spent a very long time trying to deflower a virgin, and it didn’t work, and I will NOT waste my time trying to do this again.  Period.  (This category also includes men who don’t know how to please a woman.  Clueless/selfish/hopeless men are automatically screened out.)

- Does not live with parents.  If he’s in his early 30s (which he must be if he passed all the requirements so far), there are really very few good reasons why he should still be living with the rents.  Granted, there ARE some good reasons.  But the vast majority of the time this is a big red flag.  I won’t touch this with a 10-foot pole.  No thanks.  I want a man who can do his own laundry, cook himself dinner, clean his own bathroom, and pay his own rent/mortgage.  I need independence.  If he’s living with mommy, he’s not independent.

- Has at least a bachelor’s degree, preferably an advanced degree.  I’m a dork; we all know this.  I spent a hell of a lot of time in school, studying my ass off, working through the nights, and passing up parties for papers.  I’m educated, I’m well written (for the most part), I’m smart, and I know what the fuck I’m talking about when it comes to my dorky area of expertise.  I really need someone who is the same way.  I need a fellow dork.  I need someone who can write me an email with complete sentences, who doesn’t use “u” instead of “you,” and who knows the difference between algebra and calculus.  It’s important to me, what can I say.

- Lives within an acceptable distance from my apartment.  This varies depending on my mood, but the fewer bridges, tunnels, and tolls between us, the better.  I want to be able to swing by after work and get home in time to curl up in my bed if I have to get up early the next day.  I don’t want to have to eat at home all the time because I keep giving my sushi money to the MTA.  Oh, and please don’t take offense at this, but I am NOT driving to New Jersey.  I have nothing against Jersey, but really, that is just too far away for me.  Do not remind me of how NY and NJ are right fucking next to each other.  I know this.  I don’t care.

- Has that undefinable “certain something” that makes me melt.  You know, that certain something that leaves me completely useless at work the next day, that makes my face hurt from smiling so much, that turns my stomach to mush, and that makes me count down the minutes until I can see them again.  I guess you could call it chemistry, but it’s really so much more than that.  You know what I’m talking about here.  : )

So that takes care of my set-in-stone requirements.  Looking over the list, I see that it’s pretty fucking boring, except for that last one.  I admit that I spend a lot of time screening out men for the above characteristics, and let me tell ya, I find that it’s VERY hard to get all of these in one person.  Once I find someone who makes the cut, I cross my fingers and hope for the best.  Sure, there are a million little things I look for, but I find that those are secondary compared to the major criteria.  Maybe this is my problem – I want someone who’s good on paper, but I should be looking for someone who’s great in real life?  Am I destined to become a crazy old cat lady with this list embroidered on a pillow on my couch?

Good thing I don’t have any cats… yet.

[Edited to add: I forgot to add "non-smoker" to the list.  This is a biggie.]