Dating 101: don’t poop on your date
This is the second post in my “Dating 101″ series (such as it is), intended to share ridiculous real-life dating stories and to illustrate prime examples of what to do, or what NOT to do, on a date. The first post, “Dating 101: how to pay for dinner” (sorry, old blog, no link), highlighted The Editor’s absolutely fantastic and super-slick way of paying for dinner without ever letting me touch the check or even know how much the dinner cost. Needless to say, I was impressed. In this second post, however, I highlight something so ridiculous and so absurd that hopefully the poor sap who did this to me will read it and pick up on the “Dating 101″ lesson. And yes, this story involves poop. Need I say more?
About a year ago, I went on exactly two dates with a hopelessly clueless guy who I never should have given a shot in the first place. But you know me, I am a weak woman. And when this guy kept asking and asking in his cute little voice (he had a really good phone voice – that’s what got me), I finally caved. And even after the first date was an absolute disaster, somehow I was SO completely delusional that I gave him another chance. I hang my head in shame, really. DD, you are a sad, sad woman sometimes. But moving right along… I’m on the second date with this jackass, and somehow we wind up back at my apartment, on my infamous couch… the same couch where so many dates have either gone really well or ended in disaster. I’ll give you one guess as to where this one was going.
We had been out to lunch or something, and after each of us hit the restroom, we wound up back at my apartment, making out on my couch. God, he was a horrible kisser. What the hell was I thinking??? Anyway, I guess I must have been getting into it, because the next thing I know, we’re horizontal and the clothes start coming off. I think I lost my shirt. Pants were still on. I reached down to grab his ass (which was also horrible, by the way – way too flabby for a 30-year-old guy), and then I reached underneath his boxers to grab a little flesh. As soon as my hand hit his ass, he utters the following never-before-in-my-life-have-I-heard-this-from-a-guy statement:
Oh man, I hope I cleaned up enough after going to the bathroom.
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT. THE. FUCK. I froze, pulled my hand out of there as fast as I could, ran to the bathroom to wash my hands, and proceeded to throw him out of my apartment as fast as humanly possible. I never saw him again. Ewwwwwww!!!!!!
Now, I completely respect the rights of all human beings to take care of whatever they need to take care of in the bathroom. Fine. No problem. But, especially on a date, the bathroom is like Las Vegas: whatever happens in the bathroom should STAY in the bathroom. Seriously! I could not BELIEVE that this guy was essentially telling me that I just stuck my hand in whatever remaining shit was still hanging around on his ass. I mean… I… I don’t even know what to say about this bullshit! It was totally ridiculous!
Ahhhh, I actually kind of feel bad for the guy. I mean, he was so totally clueless that he probably didn’t even know how horrible his statement really was. But really, was he trying to protect me? Like, get your hand out of there because I don’t want you to get shit all over yourself? If that was the case, why didn’t he just make sure that wouldn’t be a problem BEFORE he left the restroom???? I just don’t understand how anyone could get themselves into this situation in the first place. If he was really having some kind of problem down there, he shouldn’t have been horizontal and taking my shirt off. Geez.
I’ll never forget the look on this guy’s face when he stopped kissing me to tell me that I had just stuck my hand in poop. I swear, I can’t make this stuff up. Now do you believe me when I say that dating will surely be the end of me?
So, in the spirit of the “Dating 101″ ideal, let’s all take a lesson from this poor jackass and make sure we’re all clean and fresh when going out on a date. It certainly is a sad state of affairs when something like this needs to be said, but so be it.Â
Oh, and one more time, just for the official record: Ewwwwwwww!!!!!
Edited to add: Apparently the spambots love this little poop story, so I’m closing the comments to stop the attack. If you’d like to leave a comment on this post, just email me and I’ll post it for you. : )
Oh, no! Haha. I’m surprised as he didn’t immediately excuse himself (without giving a reason) to go to the bathroom to “clean up more.” Would have been blunt and weird, but less so than admitting what’s up.
Eh well, I guess it’s like the On Dating woman says, even a bad date makes a good story.
December 21st, 2008 at 9:53 pmOh Jesus, DD. I had a similar experience and it was terrible. We had moved to the after dinner activities and while she didn’t want to full out get it on, some touchy-feely was on the menu. The problem is my hand is in her pants and almost to the panties when she whispers that I shouldn’t pull the string.
Of course this string doesn’t inflate a life vest, and seriously we are both adults. Tell me this is “the bad week” before we start anything and I’ll take the hint and wait until I see you again. Don’t tell me when its almost too late. Of course there wasn’t a next time.
Oh man, that was almost a bad discovery…
December 21st, 2008 at 10:53 pmThat is the funniest/grossest thing I have heard in a while. I wonder if he beat himself up later after realizing he said that out loud instead of just thinking it. What an idiot!
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:02 amOk confession time…
I dated a guy who was really into arse play and on more then one occasion, when he was performing a little “rim job”, i have to admit, i may have thought the same thing as DD’s friend above. NEVER said it out loud though!!!!!!!!
I mean, I am able to clean myself up properly, but there’s always the subconscious fear when someone’s licking between your cheeks – what if i taste like poo?
December 22nd, 2008 at 2:45 amIs it weird that the only takeaway I have from this post is that all one needs to do to get you out on a date is keep pestering you?
Hammer’s last blog post..New Years with C&R
December 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 amOMG this reminds me of a horrible commercial that was airing about a year ago, for some kind of pre-moistened TP. It was hilarious, and very disturbing, to watch them try to dance around the fact that the product was designed to clean the remaining shit off your ass.
Aha! Here it is: http://commercial-archive.com/node/124967
“You’re not done yet” inDEED.
Oh also? Give me a heads up next time you’re in LA and I’ll hook you up with my doc, who apparently does vag-o-plasties.
StephanieInCA’s last blog post..Suddenly self-concious
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm“Pre-moistened TP”
So basically baby wipes. For adults.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:00 pmVirgin – Exactly! He could have just excused himself, taken care of whatever he needed to do, and I would never have known what was up. So simple! Hello???
Chris – Yes, I completely agree that the “bad week” discussion needs to happen before you’re almost at the goods. But with that said, I’ve run into guys who are totally comfortable with tampons… I’ve actually been surprised just how comfortable they can be. Weird, but it works for me! We’re all adults, right?
Kiera – I’m sure he did! It was extremely clear that his poop comment was what tipped me over the edge into complete repulsion. Next time, just be poop-free!!!
Claire – First of all, yay for ass play! And secondly, you make a very good point. There are plenty of times where my overall state of freshness comes into mind, but if I think there may be an issue, I just quietly take care of it on my own. No need to anounce it to your date!
Hammer – You’re missing a very important point – this guy had an amazingly sexy phone voice. He could have gotten me to do just about anything over the phone. Too bad he wasn’t so sexy in person!
StephanieInCA – Hahaha… I don’t care what kind of fancy TP products people use, as long as I can grab a guy’s ass and not have to worry about SHIT! What is the world coming to, anyway? What happened to the days of carefree ass grabbing?
Claire – Sounds about right. Whatever, as long as that ass is clean. Seriously, I can’t believe there’s even a need to talk about this issue! Ahhhh!!! Stupid jackass and his poop comment. Scarred me for life!
The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..Dating 101: don’t poop on your date
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:27 pmGross Gros Gross – and I thought the quick hand pull on my part to the hairiest ass ever was the worst..but this?? TMI on a whole ‘nother level.
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December 23rd, 2008 at 1:30 amYuck! Just like a pre-date wanking, you have to take a pre-date crap. How does someone not know this?
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December 26th, 2008 at 3:08 pmNewWrldYankee – Ewww! What’s worse – a hairy ass or a shitty ass? Both bad in my opinion.
Lance – In the spirit of TMI, I totally do that.
P.S. – Can’t believe this poop post generated so much discussion. Hahaha.
The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..I survived Christmas… can I be a bad girl now?
December 26th, 2008 at 8:16 pm(heaves)
I can never understand people who don’t have basic hygiene in day to day to life, but not having it on a date… man that’s 10x worse.
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December 27th, 2008 at 5:34 amSO wait DD you masturbate before your dates?
This post is hilarious for its nastiness and your reaction.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:29 am