The secret confession of a single woman
Ok people, I have to get something off my chest tonight. I have a confession to make. It’s horrible, and maybe it makes me a mean person, or a spiteful person, or a jaded, bitchy, jealous person. Yes, perhaps I am all of these things, but I can’t change how I feel about this issue. It drives me fucking crazy! If I have to deal with this for another minute I am going to fucking explode. Explode, I tell you! Ok, here is is, don’t hate me…
I am SO sick of all my friends getting married, having babies, buying houses, and sending me all their little updates on their holiday cards. It makes me want to puke! Now don’t get me wrong, I really am happy for them, and I love them, and I wish them all the happiness in the world. But I just wish all their happiness wasn’t slapping me in the face everyday when I pick up my snail mail or check my inbox or my voicemail. And the worst part of this whole situation? I have to put on my “fake happy” face and tell them how happy I am for them and how I’m so excited for them and how the world is just full of rainbows and gumdrops and fancy invitations and smiling babies.Â
Yes, you can unleash the backlash now.Â
I know this is an absolutely horrible thing to say. I know I am a bad person. I really AM happy for them, but I just need a break! I need to find more people who are jaded and alone like I am. I need to find people who have nothing to write in their holiday cards except “Happy Holidays.” Is that really so much to ask? Well, is it???
Now that I’ve put this all in writing, I’m probably going to have some horribly bad luck tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get struck by lightning, I don’t know. But what I DO know is that this has been bothering me for a long time now, and it’s getting to the point where I can see myself slowly withdrawing from these friends. Really. I don’t respond to emails right away. Maybe they’ll leave a voicemail and I won’t call back. Maybe they’ll send an Evite and I won’t respond. Maybe I’ll skip a party or “forget” their kid’s birthday. Anything to avoid having to put on that repulsive “fake happy” face again. It physically hurts me to make that fake smile, to force that fake laugh, to write all those congratulatory cards. It hurts. I hate it. And I’m sick of it.Â
So there you have it. I am a truly horrible person. I’m lonely and jealous and jaded. I don’t know what else to say for myself – that’s all I’ve got tonight.
Eh, you have a right to be selfish. And sometimes it doesn’t hurt for those super happy people to be knocked down a peg. Reminds me of a friend recently who wrote a big MySpace bulletin saying that he thought it was amazing that he found his soul mate and hoped everyone would find theirs, too. My other friend wrote back posted back something to the effect of “damn, isn’t this your third fiance?” (It nearly is.) I dunno, I thought that comment was hilarious in a dark humor way.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:02 amMaybe those people have houses and wedding rings, but that doesn’t make me want to savagely throw them down and have my way with them like I want to do with you. They’d be jealous of you if they could witness what goes on in that brilliant sexy mind of yours.
What would piss me off is you are going to be their shoulder to cry on when they go through divorce. Not equitable in my opinion.
December 19th, 2008 at 1:36 amYou think YOU’RE horrible? I’m going to be a bridesmaid in my 21-year-old sister’s Uber-wedding this January, and it is going to take every drop of self control i have in my being to not blurt out, “I know you’re getting married before graduation because you’re not capable of being financially independent.”
/evil.
As for the Xmas cards, you’re right to be annoyed. Some of them are earnest, but just as many are sent to remind you of the score: them: 1 million, you: zero.
Try not to let it get to you. I find that whiskey helps.
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December 19th, 2008 at 12:11 pmDo you want all of those things? Getting married, having babies and buying houses? Not everyone does, and that’s ok.
On the surface their lives and relationships may seem perfect, but it may not actually be as great as it seems. They could have no sex lives and crushing debts, which most acquaintances would probably not admit in a christmas card…
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December 19th, 2008 at 2:36 pmOh, I don’t know DD. I like the cards from my friends who do that. They do things that are the kids, not a posed “look how happy we are” thing. That I know the kids personally and they know me as “Uncle Chris” so I don’t get the whole need to vomit urge.
Now my one friend (no kids) who was brow beat by his wife into taking a picture with Santa for their Christmas card. He needs castrated and she need beaten. Preferably with one of the big candy canes…
December 19th, 2008 at 3:02 pmI agree with the poster above that lots of people use Christmas cards to cover up the things in their life they are not happy with…if YOU buy what they sell, maybe they can buy it, to, and convince themselves that the are happy when they’re really not.
And that makes me a little happy inside. Which means I’m evil, too.
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December 19th, 2008 at 4:31 pmVirgin – Hahahaha – I love it! Love is certainly blinding – you can convince yourself of absolutely anything, for example, this girl has GOT to be the right one. I really hope it does work out for your friend, but I’m glad he got a bit of a reality check with that comment. I’m a fan of dark humor, too.
Jonsi – Oooooh, baby! Thanks for the delicious compliment. : ) I truly hope that my friends don’t get divorced and that they’ll never need my shoulder for that purpose. But if they do, hopefully at least I’ll be married by then!
StephanieInCA – Ouch!!!! Now that’s my kind of response. : ) I see that we’re on the same evil wavelength. As for the cards, that’s exactly how I feel. They may not be trying to remind me of the score, but that’s how it comes across. People: I don’t need to be reminded. Please!
Saturn V – Very good point. No, I don’t think I want all those things necessarily. I just feel like everyone’s life is moving forward, but mine is standing still. True, they may not be 100% happy (who is?), but I do feel as if they’re a few steps ahead of me… which is kind of annoying.
Chris – Aww, “Uncle Chris,” how cute. : ) Don’t get me wrong – I love my friends and their kids, and I do let out an “awwww, that kid is cute!” when I get the cards, but I still get frustrated by the entire situation. It’s like all their happy faces are boring right through me and reminding me that I’m alone. Bummer.
Honey – Yay, more evil! I love that I’m not the only one who feels this way. : ) I truly hope that my friends aren’t covering up any horrible unhappiness (and that if they were, they’d share it with me outside of the card), but who knows. I will say this – I DO buy what they sell… how can I not with all those smiling faces?
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December 19th, 2008 at 9:19 pmI’m not implying I wish your friends unhappiness or divorce, I just suspect that if 50% of all marriages end in divorce, probably 25% end because of arguments over what to put in the Christmas card/newsletter.
December 20th, 2008 at 1:53 amSaw this strip in the paper today and thought of your Christmas card rant.
http://www.jsonline.com/comics/?feature_id=Baby_Blues&feature_date=2008-12-20
I, too, feel the same pang of evilness when I get such cards in the mail, but enjoy knowing that none of my “fridge babies” are mine to keep just yet. I still have the joy of giving them back once they start crying, etc.
December 20th, 2008 at 6:20 pmRight here with u chica! But luckily being in Europe shelters me from most of that – no one can be bothered to send full on updates this way. But I can understand how that makes you feel. Rant on – we’re here to listen (and enjoy)
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December 21st, 2008 at 11:19 amI agree, I’m tired of the shiny happy facebook updates. I’m happy for my friends but frankly I’m annoyed that I’m expected to attend all kinds of boring family functions (with gifts naturally) when they have no time for my events anymore.
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December 21st, 2008 at 3:25 pmJonsi – Hahaha, I really hope that last part is not true. : )
fionna – I wish I could send one of those “keepin’ it real” cards! Picture it: I’m in my PJs, eating ice cream, flipping through a Cosmo magazine. I agree about giving the babies back – I can’t handle it when they start crying!
NewWrldYankee – Are you getting jipped out of your obligatory holiday updates? Oh, the nerve! Hahaha. : )
Zen – YES! Thank you, I totally forgot to mention that in my post. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. How many dozens of expensive gifts have I purchased to accompany me and my “fake happy” face to endless showers and parties? When will people be buying ME gifts, goddamnit? Waaaaaaaa!!!
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December 21st, 2008 at 9:21 pmReasons. Why. I. Hate. Facebook.
All of my effing friends with their cute little families and get-togethers and parties and couple-y dinners and backyard BBQs.
And they’re not covering up anything. They’re genuinely happy people with good lives. And yes, it makes me want to vomit.
Thanks for the confession, because I was feeling alone in my horribleness for a second.
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December 22nd, 2008 at 12:01 pmHolly – I’m glad we’re on the same page. And I won’t touch Facebook with a 10-foot pole. : )
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December 22nd, 2008 at 10:16 pmDD- I have a friend I went to high school with who I am now facebook friends with..we have the exact same birthday. Well she has been married for 3 yrs has an adorable 9 mth old and loves loves loves to talk about in her status message how perfect her life is and how her husband is the greatest and how she gave up her PH.D program to stay home and how she wouldnt trade in being a mom for anything … MAKES ME WANNA VOMIT! She is currently on a carribean cruise…baby in tow with the hubby..at least according to FB.. facebook=devil
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December 29th, 2008 at 10:42 pmjolie fatale – I am vomitting over here in sympahty. Yet another reason to hate Facebook. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the giving-up-her-PhD part…. ahhhhh!!!! Feminists everywhere just threw up in their mouth a little. Ugh.
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December 29th, 2008 at 11:12 pm