Crossing the line: follow-up
I wanted to say a little bit more about my phone conversation with the new male prospect the other night. Honey brought up a very good point in her comment – that she would be devastated if her boyfriend had a conversation like the one the NMP and I had. Even though we didn’t actually do anything in person, a line was definitely crossed over the phone. Does this qualify as “emotional cheating” by the NMP? Did I just become the other woman? I take full responsibility for the fact that I am just as guilty as he is – no doubt about that. I feel horrible about it, but at the same time, I think I would do it again if I were presented with the same situation. What does that say about me? What the fuck is wrong with me, anyway?
This reminds me all too much of the indecent proposal I received from the NMP last February and how I so easily caved in. Is it that I can’t resist the NMP in particular, or that I can’t resist temptation in general? Long-time readers will recall that I was kinda sorta dating New Year’s Lips when the NMP suggested a scandalous booty-call, to which I surprisingly agreed. I didn’t flat-out classify it as cheating because New Year’s Lips and I were not in a committed relationship. I still stand by that classification, but I know that it was still a shitty thing to do, and I still feel pretty bad about it. The phone conversation with the NMP the other night feels all too similar to my previous indiscretion, but somehow not as extreme.Â
What do you think?
Did I cheat on New Year’s Lips by sleeping with the NMP?
Did the NMP cheat on his girlfriend by openly flirting with me over the phone?
How do you define cheating?
This has been bothering me all day. I can remember when I was in a serious relationship (my five-year boyfriend, for those of you keeping track) and just the very thought of him even looking at another girl in a sexual way would have made me extremely uncomfortable. And vice versa, I’m sure. I would have been absolutely crushed. Not so much jealous or angry (although those feelings would have certainly been there), but just emotionally crushed. I can totally relate to what Honey had commented on. Which makes me think… did I just mess with someone’s serious boyfriend? I think I did, and honestly, that scares the shit out of me.
I didn’t think I would ever be the kind of person to do something like that, but I think I did it… twice. Again I ask, what does that say about me? Who the hell am I?Â
This situation is all too real for me. I hate when life gets this real. Am I a cheater? What if the new male prospect’s girlfriend ever found out about that conversation? What then? Could I live with myself? And was it really that bad to just flirt over the phone? How do you even classify that?Â
I’ll have to think about the answers to these questions and the implications of my questionable behavior. I’ve been mulling it over and just keep hitting a brick wall. And all the while, I can still feel the residual adrenaline rushing through my veins…
I really think you are over analyzing this.
Enjoy the moment you had, now had you actually said come over now or went to him then yes this type of introspect makes sense.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:55 amYou’re young, you’re single, go have fun.
#1
Philly’s last blog post..YO!
January 22nd, 2009 at 3:49 pmYou already answered this for yourself in your reply to Honey’s comment:
“I would also be devastated if a serious boyfriend did what the NMP did the other night, which is why I felt so horribly guilty afterward.”
And then again right here:
“Which makes me think… did I just mess with someone’s serious boyfriend? I think I did, and honestly, that scares the shit out of me.”
You already know this was not the right thing to do, and you know how it would make you feel if it were done to you – so, don’t be the girl who does it to someone else!
There are more than enough men in the world to go around, and so there is just no reason whatsoever to borrow one who belongs to another woman already (even if it’s just for some titillating talk). It’s all about storing up “Good Chick Karma” for your own future relationship(s).
moody.bitch’s last blog post..Are You in a Relationship Yet?
January 22nd, 2009 at 4:42 pmOk, as the girl who’s been there and done that already (and then some) I have to say that I had all the same concerns. Initially I rationalized it because I had convinced myself of the possibility that he’d leave her for me. I was also careful to never be the one to blatantly suggest things – I always let him make the first official “move”. And there were certainly days where I was full of guilt, and there were certainly conversations about whether or not we should be flirting, etc. By the end I knew I was using him…breaking the boy just because she can, I suppose.
Yeah, I have my moments of guilt, but I don’t regret it. I chalk it up to a moment of selfishness, a learning experience, and a deliciously scandalous chapter in an otherwise “good girl” story that I can remember when I’m old and in a rocking chair on my front porch.
Whatever you wind up thinking, remember that he made his choices, too, and you’re not alone in it.
January 22nd, 2009 at 6:51 pmI’ve definitely been there in previous relationships, both as far as being the person who engaged in the flirting (or outright sex) as well as the person who found out the other person had. So I’ve been there, and I can empathize with the guilt and the pleasure.
While I do not think that everything can be placed on NMP, I do think it’s impossible to break up a happy relationship where the people are compatible and everything’s working. So my guess is that the NMP’s relationship isn’t going to be “the one.” That being said, though, I do think that this has a couple of negative consequences for you –
the first being the guilt that you have already mentioned,
the second being the fact that if you’re pursuing something with someone who’s unavailable you’re just postponing the time when you can find someone who is, and
the third and perhaps most disturbing thing being that you’re convincing yourself, consciously or subconsciously, that this is normal, acceptable relationship behavior, and the next person you choose to date is likely to be someone who also thinks that and is therefore likely to do it (or you will).
I don’t think you necessarily need to worry yourself to pieces over the first two – it’s the third that is a concern for me.
Honey’s last blog post..My Boyfriend’s Mother
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:36 pmShirtless Guy – True, acting on that conversation would have definitely been different, but I still think a little introspection is warranted here. Simply stated, I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.
Philly – Hahaha! Thanks for encouraging my bad habits. : )
moody bitch – Thanks for the excellent words of wisdom and for calling me on my shit. You’re absolutely right. I like the idea of “good chick karma” and will have to start building some up… god knows I need it!
fionna – Mmmm, I love the idea of something “deliciously scandalous!” Yes, the NMP certainly carries just as much blame for this as I do, but even so, it should never have happened. I think sometimes I create a little drama in my life just for the hell of it, and that is such a bad habit. I need a 12-step program.
Honey – You always have such grounded advice – thank you. I agree that it’s nearly impossible to break up a solid, happy relationship. For the NMP’s sake, I do hope it works out with his girl, but who knows. Very good point about convincing myself that this is acceptable realtionship behavior – this is something I need to think about… or rather, something that I need to remind myself not to do regardless of how lonely I may get.
The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..Scared shitless
January 24th, 2009 at 11:51 am