The Dateable Dork

As my vacation winds down, I’m finally getting around to running all those errands that have been piling up for the last few weeks.  With all the craziness of the holidays followed by my relaxing days of crying fits, hot chocolate sipping, and movie watching… well, those pesky little errands were just NOT getting done.  So, as usual for me, I waited until the very last minute to take care of business.  On the schedule today were two of my absolute favorite (!!!) places to go: the gynecologist and the Department of Motor Vehicles.  Wow, can you pack much more fun into a single day???  Oh, the excitement!!!  I am a lucky, lucky girl.  Srsly.  Today has truly been the highlight of my vacation.  (Is the sarcasm thick enough yet?  Shall I go on?)  : )

First up, the gyno.  After my little discovery last summer, I have been going to visit my BFF the gynecologist about once a month.  We have so much fun!  We dance and sing and skip along through grassy meadows and I whip off my pants and she sticks random things inside me.  How fun!!!  Love it!!!  Plus I love all the gossip.  She asks me about all my various and sundry sexual adventures and I tell her all the juicy details.  Then she types it all into the computer and sends me to another very nice lady who pokes a hole in my arm and fills up vials with my blood.  Yay!!!!  Such fun times!!!  Today was the best, though.  Today’s visit, in addition to all the usual poking and prodding, included a biopsy and a full STD workup.  Awesome!!!  Can’t wait for the results!  But on a more serious note, the full STD workup is something that I’d been putting off, and I finally decided to bite the bullet and just do it.  Take my advice: just go for it.  I was scared shitless to go through with it, but it’s for my own good.  If you haven’t had one of these done recently, just think of how brave little DD sucked it up and did it… which means you can too.  Ok?  : )

So, after waiting and waiting in the doctor’s office all morning, I was off to the fabulous DMV for – you guessed it – even more waiting.  Yay!!!  I just love to wait.  It’s so… relaxing.  Don’t you think?  But get this: I was totally prepared this time.  I picked up a sandwich on my way to the DMV, figuring that I could eat lunch during the wait… only to find out (via a very large and totally AWESOME (!!!) security guard) that there is “no eating at the DMV, ma’am”  Denied!  As they say, the best laid plans often go awry.  Of course.

So I’m at the DMV, petroleum jelly still squishing around between my legs from the gyno visit (eww), and I see that the line is like 100 people long.  Awesome!!!  So much more fun than I expected!  Wow, this day was just going so freaking well, I couldn’t believe it.  I get in line, realize that I have to fill out a form, get out of line, try to buy a pen from the pen vending machine (it ate my quarter – fucker!!!), get handed a pen from a very nice man in line, fill out my form, get back in line, wait, wait, and wait… then get told by the DMV lady that I filled out the WRONG form, get out of line, fill out the RIGHT form, get BACK in line, wait some more, finally get to counter #1, get a ticket number, sneak outside to eat my sandwich, come back in and wait some more, finally get called up to counter #2, hand the nice lady my credit card, and get handed my temporary license.  Wow!!!  Does it GET any better than that???  I think I am the luckiest girl in the world.  People, I KNOW you’re jealous, but just try to contain yourselves, all right?  I’m sure you’ll get your turn at the DMV sooner or later.  : )

Whew…. so…. after hanging out with my BFF all morning and then doing some funky line dancing (too bad they weren’t playing the Electric Slide!) to renew my license, I had just about had all the fun that a girl can handle in one day.  The ONLY thing that could make it all better was some post-holiday-sale shopping, and lucky for me, shopping therapy was only a few snow-filled blocks away.  I totally scored and picked up exactly what I needed at super-duper after-holiday sale prices.  Rock on, bitches!!!  They even had my size and everything!!!  (I am loving the exclamation points today!!!)  So I packed up my haul, busted out of there, and FINALLY made it back to my bachelorette pad.  The only thing I didn’t get was a “big wrappy thing,” (i.e., a chunky warm sweater to “give me a hug” when I’m sitting in my freezing office).  Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

Also on the docket for tomorrow: fixing my car (YEEESSSSSS!!!! I love paying mechanic bills!!!) because the “service engine soon” light has been on and mocking me for the last few weeks.  I hear it taunting me every time I start the car: “Fix me…. fiiiiiiixxxxxx mmmeeeeeeeeee!  I will crap out on you at the most inconvenient time!  Mwah-ha-ha-ha!!!  But seriously, your engine is just fine… for me to poop on!”  Too bad I’ve already had my wisdom teeth out because wouldn’t that just complete this TOTALLY FRIGGIN AWESOME weekend???  (Poor Honey,  hope you’re feeling better!)

So, my dears, that is the story.  Oh, one more thing: I was at the grocery store the other day and totally saw the most awesomely tall and dorky man in the produce aisle.  I “accidentally” bumped into him when I went for the carrots (he was picking out some lettuce), and I was THIS CLOSE to talking to him in the bottled water aisle a little later on.  I chickened out, of course, but at least my man-dar is functional.  Hahaha.