Good on paper: is it good enough?
Ok people, let’s be honest: I was pretty bummed out when that guy didn’t call me over the weekend, and STILL hasn’t called, by the way. It sucked. I was pretty excited about him, and we had been sending great emails back and forth all last week, and things seemed to be ramping up quite well, if I do say so myself. I’ve done the online dating thing enough times to know when something has potential or not, and I was pretty fucking sure that this had some potential. We would both reply within 24 hours of the last email, we had some cute/flirty conversation going, we seemed to have a lot in common, we both seemed pretty interested, etc. Listen, I know there’s only so much you can tell over email, but for a couple of strangers sending messages back and forth, I thought it was going pretty damn well. Until he fell off the face of the earth, only to appear several days later with a one-line email that didn’t even contain an apology for not calling when he said he would. Ouch. WTF??? Did I just waste a week of my life on this guy? What a waste, I mean really.
So I wrote him off – done. But I don’t know… should I have blacklisted him so easily? Here’s the deal: as Carrie Bradshaw (my ultimate source of dating advice, as sad as that may be) would say, he’s really good on paper. And is being good on paper good enough to hang on for a little while longer? Does the combination of his one-line “I’m thinking about you” email combined with the fact that he’s good on paper save him from his dating faux pas? From the major let-down? From the hours that I was glued to my cell phone armed with a perky attitude and funny stories to lure this guy into my trap, only to be left with complete and utter silence? I know the answer, but at the same time, I don’t know. Know what I mean?
Finding a guy that’s good on paper in the grimy New York dating scene is equivalent to finding a $500 pair of shoes on sale for $30. It’s rare, but it happens. And when you find it, you fucking grab onto those shoes and hang on for dear life! I’ve learned over the years that most people just do NOT fit my basic dating criteria. Call me a snob, call me pretentious, call me what you will… but it’s true. I’m educated, well-written, and employed in a respectable position, and god damn it, I want someone who is the same. I also think I deserve a moderately attractive guy who’s approximately my age, and, truth be told, an ivy league diploma doesn’t hurt. So sue me! This is what I want, and if you live in your mom’s basement and can’t be bothered to hit the spell check on your profile, then I’m just not interested. Is that SO bad?Â
And this guy who didn’t call me was really good on paper. REALLY good on paper. AND he was cute. So what the fuck???? Am I supposed to just let it go? How long until I find another guy who’s that good on paper? Should I hold onto this guy like I would with those awesome $30 shoes? Should the only reason I let go be that another woman is prying those god damn shoes out of my cold, dead fingers? But then there’s the other side of the coin… if I give this guy another chance, am I saying to the world that it’s ok for guys to ditch us? That it’s ok for these attractive, well-educated guys to shit all over us because they know they can get away with it? Because they know they’re all we have? That we’ll hold on no matter what horribly rude and depressing thing they do to us? Doesn’t that just make the entire dating situation that much worse?Â
And isn’t that a HUGE fucking insult to myself? Aren’t I better than that, and don’t I know better?
I’ve gotta say – this sucks ass. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been disappointed by a “good on paper” guy, I’d be writing this post from a much nicer place than my little one-bedroom apartment. Then again, if I had a dollar for every “good on paper” guy I’ve come across, I’d have about $10. And so you see my dilemma.Â
I ask you: is “good on paper” good enough?
Guys are stupid. You guys don’t know each other very well so I would give him another chance. Maybe he has a good reason?
KT’s last blog post..Informalities
February 24th, 2009 at 9:53 pmI don’t really understand why you would be holding out at all. When you’re doing online dating, you should be dating 5 guys at once and just taking advantage of the free food and alcohol you’ll get, while having your sexual needs satisfied elsewhere so you don’t get too excited about the person and trick yourself into falling for a loser just because you want to get fucked.
Ny 2 cents, but then again, I don’t think that I’m totally impartial.
Hammer’s last blog post..I want DD
February 25th, 2009 at 1:16 amI feel that pain.
I’d be tempted to allow one more try (because of the apology)… but cautiously. Slightest other faux pas though and time to be a dating assassin.
But then I usually let things drag on.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:57 amThe empathy is over flowing here darl! I seem to have come across a whole string of “great on paper” guys but the basic recipe seems to go as follows:
1. Make contact with cute/intelligent/witty/employed etc. etc. man
2. Partake in regular, enjoyable emails/online chats
3. Add in >1hr phone calls full of subtle flirting
4. End with a fantastic first date topped with a knee weakening kiss and a promise to “call you”
6. Take the “this is going to be fabulous” relationship cake out of the oven and it’s a steaming pile of “never heard from him again”.
WTF? Do i just delude myself into thinking that the date went well and he does actually want to see me again?
One of the “cakes” that failed, deleted me from his online contacts then called me up 2 weeks later “just to see how I was” which then turned into “we should have a one night stand, just for the hell of it”.
*turns lesbian*
February 25th, 2009 at 3:32 amOh and to top it all off, one of the guys that actually kinda became something sent me a TEXT MESSAGE telling me he tested positive for Chlamydia and so i should get myself checked.
Oh joy. Oh bliss.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:47 amI don’t know. I tend to be a little more lenient with “good on paper”. But not calling isn’t being “bad on paper” its being bad in real life. That being said, I wouldn’t immediately dismiss his call out of hand if it ever comes. You never know. Maybe he was in a coma, maybe he was in jail (ok not good but you can’t make phone calls at will from jail), or maybe he just is a sleaze and didn’t want to call until you were his only option. Let him explain, if the explanation is the functional equivalent of “I didn’t call until you were my only option” then he’s a sleaze and you can always hang up on him. But if he was in a coma and spent six months dreaming of you, hey, that might be OK. Creepy, but OK.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:59 amSpeaking as a guy who would like to think he’s “good on paper” and who has also been guilty of said behavior in the past (the “long ago” past), here’s what I think. Most men are flakes – not all, but enough. We have ADD. We get bored easily. When he’s interested, he’s REALLY interested and when he’s not, it’s not that he ISN’T, but his mind has moved on to other things at that moment.
It could be that she’s spooked him – that she seemed too “clingy”. It could be that she didn’t seem all that into him and he’s not about to chase someone who doesn’t think he’s the greatest thing in the world, because… men definitely like to have their egos stroked. It could be that he kept trying to sneak sex into the conversation and she wouldn’t bite (which, to him, doesn’t bode well for future kink). It could be that he’s just doesn’t see it working out – for a variety of reasons.
Why does he suddenly reappear, though … seemingly out of nowhere? Maybe he likes the attention and you gave it to him. Maybe he’s re-engaged and now ready to assume control of the aircraft. Maybe he genuinely got caught up in something else and now wants to move forward. Hard to tell, but most men are predictable in being flakes. I know as I was one myself. I’ve since been in a relationship for over 3 years, but… I remember it all too well.
If you like him (not because he’s good on paper), but because you LIKE him … stay on it. If not, move on. There are a lot of great guys out there. Don’t get hung up on one stellar resume.
Buddha’s last blog post..Matisyahu
February 25th, 2009 at 10:50 amI’d kiss this one goodbye. The simplest answer is usually the correct one – if he was as excited as you, he would’ve called. If the president can work out everyday for 60-90 minutes, *he* can find 10 minutes to call you. I’m hate to say it, but he’s just not that into you. Sucks, but at least you haven’t invested any more time.
Holly Hoffman’s last blog post..Recession economy follow-up: I actually really love my job
February 25th, 2009 at 11:17 amIf he really is a “good” guy then it might be that he isn’t into dating multiple people at once and if there’s someone he’s met in person then that person has priority. I’ve encountered this on internet dating sites before, strange as it seems to me – if they meet one person they like, they don’t answer any e-mails from anyone else until they know for sure if it’s going to work. This is completely STUPID since you shouldn’t be on a dating site if you’re not willing to at least go out casually with numerous people in a week, but whatever.
I’d probably say something like, “that’s cool – I ended up on a last minute date with (pick the screen name of a hot guy on the service) anyway, so I wasn’t home (whenever this guy said he would call). But he turned out to be kind of a loser. If you think you’re better than him, meet me (name a date and time to meet at a bar or coffee place walking distance from your house). This is your last chance!”
Honey’s last blog post..Tips for Surviving a Recession (What to do BEFORE You Get Laid Off)
February 25th, 2009 at 6:51 pmWow, I just went through the same thing myself (and blogged about it). I met a guy that was awesome on paper – probably the best prospect that I had met in awhile – so of course when he didn’t call, I was pretty disappointed. He had given me his number, and normally I wouldn’t consider using it, but because he was so “good on paper,” I felt like I was letting him get away if I didn’t get in touch. I hemmed and hawed for so long that it’s now kind of beside the point, but ultimately I came to the decision that if he liked me, he would have called and that would have been that. I agree that I probably gave him more leeway because he seemed to be such a catch though …
Underoo Elf’s last blog post..Expectations
February 25th, 2009 at 10:34 pmIf he doesn’t call, he’s moved on and so have you… now.
done and done.
hollywood’s last blog post..Hollywood knows: not to sleep with his mouth open, now.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:49 amHMM.. maybe he is married.. already have a girlfriend and dare not own up…
Try to move from email to msn chat or whatever chat the next time =D waiting for a freaking email is just too time consuming, real time is better!
If you already don’t give a damn about this potential idiot and he is so annoyingly not keeping to his word. You might as well suss out his everything by googling his email. If you do manage to get his number, go call him and freak him out! Give him his due respect for leading you on haha.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:57 amI’m sorry. I can’t help but disagree with most of you. What the hell is wrong with you people? Is this adult dating, or is this middle school bullshit? Because If I did not know we were on an adult blog, I would most definitely assuming the latter. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, AND HE GAVE YOU HIS NUMBER (this doesn’t just apply to DD), THEN CALL HIM YOURSELF!
Jesus f-ing Christ. I have NO pity for you people who whine and bitch about not finding the perfect person/being single, yet when an opportunity comes by, you just sit back on your high horse and the fate of your (potential) relationship and thus your happiness solely rests in the other persons hands. You just wait and analyze his every move, but because he did not make that call (maybe he’s shy? He is dating online for a reason…), you write him off as another sleazy guy, and then throw him to the dumpster, “where he belongs.” Take some damn responsibility for your own lack of maturity and your adamant refusal to (*omg*….) dial a phone number when it was given to you.
Sorry if that was abrasive DD, but it had to be said.
-Alexander
February 26th, 2009 at 1:33 pm“What the hell is wrong with you people? Is this adult dating, or is this middle school bullshit?”
No, just common sense.
The Virgin’s last blog post..Polyamory Weekly Podcast
February 26th, 2009 at 8:50 pmGlad to see such a lively debate in the comments. : )
I’ve gotta hand it to Alexander for telling it like it is. Damn! And you know what? I totally agree with you, 100%. There’s just one little problem… he never fucking even gave me his number! You’d think he had the perfect opportunity to give me his number in any of the numerous nice emails he sent, especially after I gave him mine, but nooooooooo. God forbid I actually have his cell phone number. Whatever! Fuck that shit.
Also, I have to say, I completely agree with Holly, which was my attitude in writing the post above and in writing this guy off in the first place. I mean, honestly, no matter how fucking busy he was (and really, it was the weekend, for god’s sake), I can’t imagine any situation (except for possibly the death of an immediate family member) in which he couldn’t find 10 minutes to call, text, or email. Seriously. IF he were interested, I would have heard from him. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. He’s just not that into me! That’s it! DONE.
One more thing I wanted to touch on – the topic of getting laid vs. finding something halfway meaningful. Here’s the deal: if I were JUST looking to get laid, I would have gotten laid by now. I’m a reasonably attractive woman in a city with millions of men. Honestly, anyone can “just get laid” if they want to. But as much as I miss the cock and everything that goes with it, I really AM looking for a relationship. I want the real thing, and I’m willing to hold out until I find it. I’m a romantic at heart – so sue me. : )
The Dateable Dork’s last blog post..Good on paper: is it good enough?
February 26th, 2009 at 10:03 pmSomewhat DD’s original court for some talk on “Good on paper: is it good enough?” has gotten lost in the ramblings that follow, me included lolz
Sorry DD I got caught up in the posting and lost ur original question there. Just to give something relevant back~ =D
To me good-on-paper is good enough. I want an equal too.
Maybe its my dorky profession, almost everyone in my circle is good on paper lol. If there are not as many good-on-paper guys going around maybe you are hanging out in the wrong place online and offline.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:46 pm