The Dateable Dork

First of all – no update on my friend and her cell phone drama.  I was DYING to ask her about it today, but I figured that she didn’t need/want the added pressure of me making a big deal out of it.  But doesn’t she know that this is my only source of juicy man-drama these days???  (By the way, there were a lot of interesting points in the comments on yesterday’s post about calling/not calling in an online dating situation – go check ‘em out if you haven’t already.)

So, some of you *may* have noticed that this blog has been decidedly ass-free these days.  There have been all sorts of miscellaneous things going on in my life that put sex pretty low on the agenda, but the tides, they are a changin’. 

Exhibit A: The STD drama is OVER!  (Well, according to all medically available technology… I guess only time will truly tell.)  The pussy is better than ever and is itching to make it’s post-STD debut.  Perhaps it should dress up in a fancy ball gown and prance down a big flight of steps with eagerly-awaiting eligible cocks fighting for the first dance?  I can only imagine the possibilities…

Exhibit B: My other health-related drama seems to be over as well.  This winter was one hell of a ride in the health department, and I’m happy to say that (knock on wood) everything seems to be in order, and I couldn’t be happier about it.  Good riddance! 

Exhibit C: I think I’m *finally* dragging my sorry ass out of the post-”incident” funk that has left me all whiny and bitchy for the last several months.  Who knew it would take so much out of me?  It was truly ridiculous, and total and complete bullshit.  I’m so over it (mostly).  I still say that “the incident” was by far my biggest, most regrettable, and most scarring dating disaster, but the time has finally come to accept it and move the hell on.  Agreed?

Exhibit D: There are a few other non-blog-worthy issues that have recently been resolving themselves, which just adds to my overall state of refreshment and rejuvenation.  Excellent.

So, now that I’ve been returning to my old, impulsive, scandalous, and cock-hungry self, I miss my fuck-buddies!  Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!  I could really use a good, solid fuck in a drama-free, dating-free, and – most importantly – STD-free situation.  BUT, therein lies the problem.  My old fuck-buddies have abandoned me, and with good reason.  If your fuck-buddy called you up one day and said, “Hey, you’re a great fuck, but I think I may have exposed you to an STD,” you’d probably stop sleeping with them, right?  Right.  My old options are options no more. 

Hot Marine?  As is his M.O., he’s disappeared off the face of the earth, and I’ve been SUCH a good little girl about not contacting him, even though I really, really, REALLY want to.  I made a decision many months ago that I’m DONE with him, and that’s that.  Not to mention that he probably wouldn’t respond if I contacted him anyway, but WHATEVER.

Bachelor #3?  Well, there was that porn-tastic night at his apartment last summer, but I think that ship has long-since sailed.  Truth be told, we never really got along all that well, and after the initial “I need to get in your pants RIGHT NOW” phase was over, there wasn’t much left.  Plus, there was the whole STD issue which I’m sure sealed the deal for him.

The new male prospect?  Well, we all know how that’s going.  Let’s be completely honest and tell it like it is: I totally dig the new male prospect and would pounce on him in a second if he wasn’t in a serious relationship right now.  And not just for a fuck-buddy either… we all know that I like this guy.  But no sense dwelling on this right now since it’s a moot point.

Anyone else?  Nope, I think that’s it.  My fuck-buddies of last spring/summer have vanished into the depths of my hot little mental filing cabinet, and I’m left with a clean slate.  Damn, I miss having a ready and willing cock at my beckon call!  Just a phone call and 15 minutes away!  How incredibly convenient!  But here’s the catch-22: I really need to be much more careful about the whole STD situation from now on (regardless of the fact that I already WAS uber-careful and managed to catch it anyway), and I don’t think having casual sex is the best way to avoid this kind of shit.  Am I right? 

So what’s a girl to do?  I want a fuck-buddy but don’t want the risk associated with casual sex.  Umm… not sure where to go from here.  Get myself a full-body latex suit?  Require a full STD-workup with signed and sealed paperwork to back it up?  Conjure up an imaginary fuck-buddy and just masturbate a lot?  Give up and join a convent?

Why does sex have to be so complicated???