When old memories come rushing back
I was *this close* to contacting my old five-year BF today, and it’s just about the scariest feeling I’ve had for a long, long time. Today is his birthday, and I always remember it because (a) it was an important part of my hard drive for many years, and (b) it’s the day after my nephew’s birthday, and the five-year BF was there when he was born.Â
This morning I impulsively and hastily sent off a one-line email (Happy Birthday! Hope you’re well!) to his old work address, which I found out a few minutes later (via an oh-so-personal autoreply) is no longer active. I guess he doesn’t work there anymore? Then I started googling him and found his LinkedIn profile, and I assume I can somehow get in touch with him on there, but I stopped myself. It was kind of too late, though, because I saw the thumbnail of his photo on his profile, and it just brought all these old feelings flooding back to the forefront.
Why did I stop myself? One simple reason: if we get back in touch, we’re going to start talking and updating each other on what we’ve been up to, and if I find out that he’s married, I’m going to have a mental breakdown. If I find out he’s not seeing anyone, I’m going to want to try to get back together. Neither of these are good things. Seriously.
But I sit here tonight, scared out of my mind, wanting to contact him but telling myself to let it go, staring at the straw on my coffee table (remember that post from the old blog?) that is STILL lying untouched, crooked, gathering dust. I sit here, looking at the photo of us that I still keep on my bookshelf, holding on to that one last reminder of what used to be.
I wonder if I’ll ever really get over him. I wonder if I’ll ever really want to.
That does sound scary as hell. I’m trying to get over my boyfriend of four years (hell, I am only 20 …) and I already find it very hard to do.
April 1st, 2009 at 1:55 amDD, I have an ex-GF like that as well. I keep all her stuff packed in a shoe box that I look at like once a year. But I make no attempts to contact her, she’s married and moved on, but the relationship we had still holds a small part of my heart, so I acknowledge that and don’t dwell on it. I’ve realized I won’t forget and that its OK for me not to, as long as I live the life I have now.
April 1st, 2009 at 9:53 amI have been in this exact situation, except that I actually followed through all the leads Google provided and contacted THE old girlfriend. I found out she was married, two kids, and going through an ugly divorce.
I saw just before the divorce finalized and was completely underwhelmed atthe person she’d become. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t seen her so that I could have kept my old memories of her intact.
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April 1st, 2009 at 10:48 amI was almost in tears reading your responses, BTW. Such a sensitive topic!
Nadine – I find it hopelessly impossible to do. When you’re with someone for that long and have that amazingly close connection, I think it’s impossible to ever completely let it go. As for me, I don’t *want* to ever completely let it go – it means too much, you know?
Chris – I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s a perfectly healthy attitude to take. I think I’m there most days, but some days (like yesterday) I let things get to me. Doesn’t looking through that old shoe box make all those feelings come rushing back? I have a similar box of stuff from the five-year BF, but I’m too scared to open it… I’m sure I’d be crying for hours. How do you handle it?
Offdwall – That’s such a rough/strange situation. I met the five-year BF for lunch a few months after we broke up, and he looked so different… it was as if my old BF had completely disappeared. I think it was too early to meet him since we were both still hurting. It was just so strange to see him like that.
April 1st, 2009 at 8:37 pm