Ah, to be in love again…
There are certain parts of my subconscious that I don’t allow myself to acknowledge very often. I keep them safely tucked away behind closed doors – out of sight, out of mind. I know they’re there, stirring, churning, keeping me awake at night, popping up when I least expect them… but for the most part, I push them away and keep closing that door, keeping these things right where they belong – hidden away. Out of my life.
But every once in a while, when my defenses are down and I don’t have the energy to push that door shut for the millionth time, these little parts of my brain come seeping out of their hiding places, slowly, softly, quietly, infiltrating my conscious mind, allowing me to think and feel and experience things that I know I shouldn’t, that I purposefully protect myself from, that I usually keep locked away for a very good reason.Â
Last night, as I lie in bed, fast asleep, completely helpless, one little part of my subconscious decided to push its away out from behind that door, knowing that I had no way of stopping it. Knowing that, in my delicate state, I would not only allow it to thrive, to seep, to prosper even… but also knowing that I would embrace it. My conscious had been deprived of these emotions for so long, that just a little taste would send me into an emotional whirlwind, and lying there asleep in my bed, my only choice was to revel in it. And so I did.
In my dream, I experienced the one event that can completely break me down, that can render me utterly helpless, that can completely shut off the filters and leave me with nothing but raw emotion. I got back together with my five-year BF. It is the one thing that I never even allow myself to think about because it is just so far-fetched, such an utter fantasy, that I don’t allow myself to even acknowledge that it’s a real-life possibility in any way, shape, or form. But in my dream, it played out right before my eyes, and as with so many dreams, the emotions were so real. I woke up feeling as if it had really happened, and I hadn’t felt that kind of euphoria since before we had broken up in the first place.Â
As I always tell people whenever the topic of the five-year BF comes up, I was “extremely happy for five years,” and I haven’t felt that way since we split. Not only was I happy for five straight years, but it kept getting better and better each year. Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any better, it got SO much better. Isn’t that an amazing feeling? If you’ve ever really been in love, you know what I’m talking about.
Here’s how it went down in my dream: The five-year BF magically appears in New York, we see each other, embrace, and get back together in this fantastic emotional tornado. It was the definition of “fantasy.” He asks me to move in with him, and I agree to drop everything and move to his city, and the rest is history. The most amazing part was that feeling that swept over me, that utter euphoria, that feeling of calm and peace and security, that feeling that suddenly everything is right with the world, that suddenly everything is ok. And that feeling was SO REAL. I still feel it as I’m writing this. It’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a very, very long time… a feeling that I keep hidden away in my subconscious because I don’t see the point of torturing myself with it.
So now I’m thinking that I really, really want to try to contact him and get back in touch. I imagine us meeting for lunch and agreeing that splitting up was the biggest mistake we’ve ever made, and we have this fantastic kiss and magically everything is all better.Â
But what will I do if he doesn’t return my invitation? And what if he’s married? And what if I wind up going through that horrible period of grief all over again? It took me a solid year after we split to even *think* about dating anyone else, and I can’t go through that again.
Ahhhh, this is so frustrating. Why did I have to have that stupid dream anyway??? If this stuff had just stayed behind closed doors where it belongs, I wouldn’t be in this emotional mess tonight, and I wouldn’t be planning out exactly what I’m going to say in a random email to him… which I really hope I don’t wind up sending. But damn, I’m so frustrated with dating, and being in love is so amazing, and I just want that feeling back. I want it back!Â
Ah, love. It’s that magic ingredient that makes life worth living. Everyone should get to experience it at least once, and I’m so glad that I did. I’ll always hold on to that, even if only in my dreams…
I don’t remember if you talked about it in your Blog 1.0, but are you comfortable talking about why you broke up? Before doing anything you might regret, think about the reasons you broke up and whether or not those reasons still apply.
April 5th, 2009 at 2:51 amDamn dreams! I had a dream the other night that my ex slept with an ex-friend of mine. I woke up missing him like crazy and all I’ve wanted to do since is call him, even though that would be a very bad move.
Claire’s last blog post..Shut Up and Kiss Me
April 5th, 2009 at 2:58 amI’m with Michael…we don’t know the reason why you broke up, but it’s possible those reasons no longer apply. What’s more, it’s been a few years since you’ve been in contact with him, right? Life happens, people grow and change (even though sometimes we prefer to think otherwise) and he may not even be the same person you remember. YOU may not be the same person he remembers.
What’s the worst that could happen if you contact him? You find out he’s moved on, is married, has a family, etc. So what? You’re already worrying about that now, finding out officially could bring you some closure instead of having these what-ifs swimming through your head. Yeah, maybe you’ll regret it for a bit, but you’ll still know for certain. BUT, you might also find out that none of those things are true and that maybe he’s been thinking of you, too.
If you don’t contact him, then you’ll just have to live with not knowing. At the end of the day I, for one, tend to feel better knowing that I took a chance. Maybe I’ll regret it, but no more so than if I hadn’t tried at all.
With happiness like what you described at stake, how could you not take the risk?
April 5th, 2009 at 8:33 amI agree with Michael….think about why you guys broke up. Is it something that would still cause a problem in your relationship?
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April 5th, 2009 at 10:01 amAll – Thanks for the honest and caring feedback. I actually *did* wind up sending him a quick email this morning. Not sure if I’ll regret it later, but for now, I’m glad I did it.
I’m very comfortable talking about the split, but I guess I never really talked about it on the blog? Anyway, here’s what happened: the five-year BF was finishing up grad school in New York, and he got a fantastic job offer in another city. I told him that although I didn’t want to pick up my entire life and move, I would feel guilty forever if he didn’t take this job just because of me. So he took the job and moved, and I stayed in New York, and that was that. We were both committed to our careers and neither of us wanted to give up such great jobs. Also, we both wanted to live close to our families – mine in New York, and his close to his new job. So we just ended it because we couldn’t figure out a way to save the relationship.
I think it’s such a shame. Maybe we were both too young to realize what we were giving up. Maybe there were things below the surface and this job offer was a good excuse to get out of it. Maybe we both wanted to explore other options before settling down. But honestly, I didn’t really feel any of those things – I just wanted to stay with him but didn’t want to have to overhaul my entire life to do it. Oh well.
Had I known then what I know now, I would have moved in a heartbeat.
April 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pmOh, see, knowing the circumstances if we were actually friends I would have, in no uncertain terms, told you to contact him. So I’m glad you did! I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you, DD, that this all works out the way it’s supposed to
April 5th, 2009 at 10:40 pmYeah, in that case, I’d say sure, go ahead (even though you already did it. There was nothing broken and things ended relatively well; perhaps there’s something in the old relationship that can be rekindled.
Now, if you had said he cheated on you, hit you, stole from you, or something like that, then I’d say no way should you contact him.
Actually, the only reason I’ve got for telling you to NOT see him is that this way I’ve got the tiniest miniscule of a chance with you since you’re not otherwise occupied.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:54 amLance and I broke up only because – and as far as I know, ONLY because – I was moving to AZ for grad school and he didn’t want to pack up and leave FL. We had been together less than a year when the decision was made, so I think it was the right decision, but I still wonder how things would have turned out if that hadn’t happened. Even though I think the BF makes me as happy as I could be, it SUCKS when pure and simple logistics gets in the way of something great. I’ve been there.
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April 6th, 2009 at 12:42 pmfionna – Exactly – I hope it all works out the way it’s supposed to… whatever that may be. I accept fate in situations like this.
Michael – Hahaha! If only I were 10 years older and lived in Texas… : )
Honey – Yeah, seems like we’ve been in very similar situations. It totally sucked big time, but we just couldn’t figure out a way around it! I wanted him to stay in New York, he wanted me to move with him, and when we both had made up our minds, we just hugged and I left his apartment and that was that. Bummer.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:08 pm