The Dateable Dork

When I was a junior in high school, we had to write an original poem and recite it to the entire class.  This was just about the most terrifying assignment I’d ever been given in my entire 16 years of life.  I didn’t know what to write about, I sucked at poetry, and the thought of reading my sucky poem to a class full of hormonal freaks and geeks made me want to crawl under a rock and die.  I wound up writing a teenage-angst-filled poem entitled “Black Hole” which basically talked about how much life sucked, how meaningless it all was, and how being sucked into a black hole was like being suspended in a torturous state of non-living/non-dead limbo for all eternity.  Oh yeah, and it rhymed.  I got up there with my big hair and too-long uniform skirt, read my little poem to the class, and wouldn’t you know it – they all loved it.  I was the only one in the entire class to be applauded after reading their poem, and I went back to my seat feeling like the shit, big time.  I guess sometimes you just have you face your fears, throw yourself head-first into the black hole, and, with the help of some pimply high school kids (or anonymous internet friends), pull yourself back out of it.

Thanks, guys.  : )

So here’s the deal: I was in quite a shitty/scary/downtrodden mood earlier this week, and here’s my theory on what happened:

• I was feeling pretty worthless/hopeless after getting rejected three times in a row.
• Work had been a total bummer for a variety of reasons that I won’t get into here.
• To make matters worse, the sun hadn’t come out for several days in a row.  It’s amazing how shitty weather can affect my mood.

I think I would have been ok with any of these things on their own, but when they all happened simultaneously, it was like the perfect storm of gut-wrenching, hope-crushing, delirium-inducing shittiness.  In a nutshell, I flipped out.  It happens. 

I got up on Wednesday morning expecting another shitty day, but lo and behold – good things magically started happening.  I ran into a friend at work who I don’t see very often, and just talking to her again cheered me up.  Work stuff suddenly got a little better, and I found my focus again.  I popped in a favorite CD and starting humming all my favorite old songs.  I had an awesome salad for lunch.  I actually looked pretty good yesterday, which is rare for me in the office.  I organized a little mid-afternoon break with some girls from the office, which actually turned out to be a lot of fun.  I got home that evening still feeling vulnerable and wounded, but a little more comforted and a little more hopeful.  It actually felt really similar to being in the recovery room at the hospital after surgery last fall – really vulnerable, still in pain, but wrapped in a warm blanket with people taking care of you.  Weird analogy, but it works.

Since then, I’ve made some fun plans for the weekend (which is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous here in the northeast), and I’m happy to report that I haven’t cried since Tuesday night when I wrote that post.  I still feel kind of downtrodden about the dating scene and am not ready to get back out there just yet, but it’ll come along eventually.  I could definitely still use some casual sex, but I can’t even fathom pursuing that right now.  I think I need more time to recover. 

For now, I’m happy to be climbing out of the black hole, slowly but surely.  Thanks again for the helping hand – it really meant a lot to me.

Hugs,
~DD