I think I need help
Edited to add: Peeps, I was going to blog last night but I fell asleep on the couch! Oops. Just wanted to say thanks so much for all the encouragement – you guys are the best. I’m feeling a little better and will write more tonight. : )
I feel myself slipping into another round of rejection-related depression. Yesterday morning, the first thing I said out loud after I shut my alarm was, “My life is meaningless.” Today, I found myself reciting my suicide note as I got home from work. I felt frustrated at the fact that I probably didn’t have enough of the right kind of medication in my apartment to kill myself. I looked in the mirror and saw the face of a very sad woman. I thought to myself, “Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? I can’t live like this.”
The loneliness is really getting to me. I woke up this morning, alone. I headed off to work, where I sat in my cube for 9 hours, alone. I came home to an empty apartment where I sat in silence eating my dinner, alone. I checked my email – no messages. My cell phone is silent. Soon I’ll head off to bed, where I’ll bury myself under layers and layers of blankets to keep out the cold because there is no one to warm me up. Then I’ll get up tomorrow and do it all over again.
Sometimes I think that I might like to have children one day, but if I never meet anyone, how will I do it? I don’t like the idea of a sperm bank, but I do like the idea of adoption. The only problem is that if married couples with solid incomes have trouble getting a adopted child, how in the world would I ever get one as a single woman with a meager salary? And even if I did, how could I possibly afford to raise a child on a salary that just barely supports myself? And maybe I should save the money that I have earmarked for a house downpayment in order to have some money for a child one day? Which would mean that I’d be renting for the rest of my life, which is not what I wanted. And even if I did manage to adopt, how in the world would I be able to care for a baby while working full time?
This is not the life I had planned for myself. This is not how I thought it would go. I honestly never realized that I could be this intensely lonely – it’s awful. What’s the point of all this? I work just to keep myself alive, fed, and sheltered, but there is no real meaning in my life, so why go on? Why torture myself when there’s no point? I feel as if my life is just a waste of resources that could be put to better use.
I have absolutely no motivation to go on, yet I’ll keep going through the motions knowing that I’ll snap out of it eventually, as I always do. For now, though, I can’t hold back the tears…
Hang in there DD.
I’m sure everyone goes through moments like this married or not.
It won’t last though – promise.
~ Tony
Tony’s last blog post..Another one in the can…
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:31 amI know how it is. But honestly, you write about what’s on your mind, some time passes, and you feel all the better for it. I’m not going to give some useless phoney-baloney advice like “life is what you make of it” because life doesn’t always go our way. (Cause if we could control it, I would be a millionaire, the emperor of the world and own a jewel-encrusted lazy boy chair.)
But you can get out and do something you enjoy, and suddenly things aren’t so bad in the long run.
The Virgin’s last blog post..The five stages of job loss
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:17 amEchoing the “hang in there”. And to quote the Beatles…”I get by with a little help from my friends”. No relationship, no problem. You seem to have a great group of friends, hang with them, and let life come as it may.
I know the “I have nobody” feeling as well. You are not the only person who gets into this funk sometimes. Join a sports league, actively plan “girls nights” with your friends. Hell, I joined a kickball team to get out of my funk and hang with my friends.
It will pass, and we will keep reading and sending good vibes your way.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:07 amYou are not alone. You have all your loyal blog friends!
We all have good days and bad days, some more than others. But I get what you mean about not having that special someone.
Just know that I’m rooting for you, as are many others.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:28 amAnd remember – you live in New York City! Home of intense loneliness and intense possibility. I’d invite you for coffee, you seem like a nice person, I feel like that might be really creepy.
April 22nd, 2009 at 11:37 amYou know what would turn it around? Go on vacation someplace awesome, like Costa Rica or anywhere in the Carribean. Get a travel buddy and just make a 4-day trip happen. It’ll totally break you out of state and you’ll meet a ton of cool new people (including dudes). Right now you’re in a slump and you need to bust it. Also, cut the crap, you’re awesome and you know it. The dudes you’re interacting with just aren’t cool enough to hang with you.
I remember I was sucking ass over the summer, then I went to the Dominican Republic with some peeps, which was awesome, and it completely changed my outlook. That’s what vacations are designed for.
If you want to do a couple days in Florida at the beach, I’d be happy to show you around and party it up. Also, I’ve got some peeps planning a Vegas trip. Think about it.
Lance’s last blog post..Social Artistry at Its Finest
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:02 pmDude, DD, I was just about to recommend that you go to Vegas with me, but Lance beat me to it! Memorial weekend. Come with us
Honey’s last blog post..Social Artistry at Its Finest
April 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 pmDD, besides this epic vacation that Honey and Lance have suggested, I think you should do some things that always make you happy no matter what. If that doesn’t work, we do live in the same city
Cole’s last blog post..Handjobs by Cole
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:31 pmIf your cell phone is not ringing, then when don’t you call someone to talk it out? When I was single I filled my days with sports leagues and happy hours with friends so that I didn’t have to go back to my apartment after work and get sad. It’s spring- time to get outside!
KT’s last blog post..Observations
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:29 pmI’d also check your health insurance coverage. Many plans cover things such as weekly or biweekly massage with low or no copays. Non-sexual touch is psychologically therapeutic too. And many employers don’t mention that you do have those benefits!
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:47 pmHere’s what I suggest: think about how out of this world amazing it is that even FIVE years ago there’s basically no way you would have gotten this kind of support online. I hear people bad mouthing blogging all the time because it’s a waste of time. Smile Double D, you live in the best era ever!!! Just imagine: some woman back in the day (whenever that may have been) might have chosen a radically different one than the one that you’ve chosen here today. I agree with The Virgin, lay it all out on the table……
Simon’s last blog post..Handjobs by Cole
April 23rd, 2009 at 1:59 pmEveryone – I really can’t thank you enough for all the good wishes and kind words both above and in my inbox. You have no idea how much you cheered me up and reminded me that there are so many great things in life worth being excited about, and sometimes I just have to ride out these slumps to realize that again.
You know, I was very, very hesitant to publish this post because I don’t think I’ve ever been so raw on the blog before. I usually try to keep things at least mildly entertaining, even when I’m complaining. I worried that I would alienate readers with my depressing semi-suicidal mood and very un-DD-like gloominess.
But you know what? I think this was the one of the most DD-like posts I’ve written, and it makes me happy to know that I got such a positive response to some really raw, unedited, unfiltered feelings. I’ll tell ya, I was in a really, really scary mood that night, and I’m glad I came out of it without any scarring – emotional or physical. I guess we all go through moods like that, and it was very comforting to know that I wasn’t alone.
Thank you, from my heart to yours. You guys really mean a lot to me, even though we’re all just messages in cyberspace. The power of the blogosphere is alive and well. : )
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:20 pm