Should I say something?
I’ve been internally debating something for the past few weeks/months, and I’m not quite sure what to do about it. It’s been slowly eating away at me, stewing around in the back of my mind, popping up again when my mind starts to wander off-course, and generally giving me a not-so-great feeling in my stomach whenever it makes its way to my conscious thoughts. Here’s the situation: a very good friend of mine has gotten involved with her ex-fiance again, and I think it’s a really bad move. And here’s the obvious but awkward problem: do I say something about it, and if so, what do I say and when do I say it? It’s really none of my business whatsoever, but I care about this girl and don’t want to see her get crushed again, which always seems to happen when he’s in the picture. Then again, she’s an adult and can make her own decisions, and I certainly am not going to tell her what to do. I just really don’t like this situation and wish I could tell it like it is, you know?
When she first told me that she started seeing him again, I was pretty surprised and said something like, “WTF, are you sure you want to do that after the way he treated you last time, and the time before that, etc.?” And when she told me that things weren’t quite going as well as she had hoped, I was like, “Well, are you sure this is what you want? I mean, please be careful with this situation because remember all the shit you told me about this guy in the past?” And then she told me that she had decided that she wasn’t going to see him anymore, and I was like, “You know, it might be for the best considering he seems to be upsetting you just like he had always done before.” And just a few days ago she told me that she was hanging out with him again last week, and, this time, I didn’t say anything at all. It’s really not my place to say anything, but this situation is getting out of control.
It’s extremely obvious to me (and to her, since she openly admits it) that he doesn’t give a shit about her and is using her for sex, someone to hang out with, sex, something to do, sex, someone to chat on the phone with, and did I mention sex? For a while, I was really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Hey, I had never met this guy, and she was engaged to him, so what did I know? Well, my dears, then I met him. And yeah, he’s kind of a jerk. Actually, he’s a really big jerk, and I can’t understand why this very nice girl would want to expend her valuable time and effort on this guy. Ok, well I guess I can understand it – she’s still in love with him (which she openly admits), and she’s holding on to something that, unfortunately, ended a long time ago, and she just isn’t ready to let go yet. (Hmm, a girl holding on to a guy who’s using her for sex because she actually has feelings for him… remind you of any jerk-boys I’ve come across lately?) I can definitely understand where she’s coming from, but as an outsider looking in, I think I see the situation a little more objectively than she does, and I really, REALLY want to express my un-censored opinion on the matter.
But I don’t do it because, honestly, it really is none of my business, and I’m not so sure I would welcome a similar opinion if the tables were turned. Then again, since I really do care about this girl, am I obligated as her friend to lay the smackdown, whether she likes it or not? What would you do in this situation? I see her getting more and more attached, and more and more depressed/upset as the weeks wear on, and I absolutely hate the entire situation. I hate seeing her upset, I hate when she tells me that she cries all night, and I hate hearing about how she keeps going back for more. I hate when he says he’ll call her and then never does, and I hate when she says she won’t call him again and then does it. I hate that his presence in her life is preventing her from exploring other options, and I hate that he gets to use my very nice friend as his own personal plaything.Â
Ah, what’s a girl to do? Should I take off the filter and turn my friendly/supportive/gently nudging suggestions into flat-out/brutally honest/what-the-hell-are-you-thinking commentary? Or perhaps somewhere in the middle? I feel the need to say something more, but I’m holding myself back because I don’t want to intrude and I don’t want her to resent me for it. I feel like this situation is so complicated and is just getting worse, but who am I to judge, you know? I guess I’ll have to mull it over some more… but I don’t want to wait until the situation explodes (which it always does with this guy) and I find my friend in severe emotional turmoil (yet again).Â
Why do we keep running back to these jerk-boys even though we know better? And if we’re set on running back to them, is anyone’s opinion going to even matter?
Long time listener, first time caller here … (really, just couldn’t pass up the obvious cliche).
Having been in this position more times myself than I’d care to recount, the best (and only) thing you can do for your friend is to sit back, bite your tongue, offer opinions only when asked, and be there to pick up the pieces again. This may not be a healthy relationship at all, but she’s obviously getting something out of it that’s making it worth all the pain to her, even if that something is the delusion of a future happy life with this guy. Unfortunately, nothing you say is going to snap her out of that delusion until she figures it out for herself, and being forceful with your viewpoint is more likely to sour your friendship than it is to make her see the light.
May 12th, 2009 at 8:38 amGuys have a saying “bros before hos”. Which is appropriate here. She’s you’re friend, and she is aware of the fact that she is being used. You can say something to her.
I would suggest doing it delicately, try “I’m worried about you” and then go into why. Starting with “He’s a douche” is going to get her dander up and make it hard for her to see your concern. If you two really are close, you can do this without to much trouble.
May 12th, 2009 at 9:55 amNo, no, and no. Me & my sister talk about this stuff all the time and our conclusion is that you never say anything more than once. If they get back together & it works out, then you’re the friend who called him a douche & didn’t believe in them. If it doesn’t work out, your friend has the embarassment of your I-told-you-so knowledge.
Register your concern once. Let her know after that, that you will be there for her because you’re her friend, but that it’s tough to be sympathetic to a burn victim if they keep sticking their hand in the fire.
My BFF has a relationship I’m not sure is the healthiest for her. I’ve registered that concern, which she acknowledged & dismissed. I hear her out when she calls to cry because she hurts, but her problems are not *my* problems – they are not mine to solve.
Be careful not to become a mother to your friends – just be a friend. Sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut & your shoulder available for crying.
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May 12th, 2009 at 10:31 amYes – I agree with Holly, though I think that if this is a genuine concern that is affecting you (whether or not it should) then you can tell her that you must remove yourself from her life completely until the situation is resolved. Say something like, “I’ve expressed my concerns, and I know that you share them, but you seem to be caught in this cycle. If you can get yourself out of it, then I am here for you, but until then, I just can’t be a part of your life. I get too stressed watching you do this to yourself.”
See what that does…but only if you can stick to it.
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May 12th, 2009 at 1:32 pmChuck – Welcome! Thanks for commenting. : )
I think the collective opinion here is that I should keep my mouth shut on this one, which is probably for the best. I’ve already expressed my concern (in a friendly/gentle way) several times, so she knows how I feel about the situation. I’m well aware of the fact that I could never change her mind about him, so perhaps I should just sit back and be there for her when she needs me, hoping that the light bulb switches on for her sooner rather than later. The situation is not affecting me at all, other than the fact that I hate seeing her like this, so I don’t want to cut her out completely (or even a little, actually). I just want to see her happy again.
Sooooo… maybe I just won’t say anything at all from now on. It sucks to see her this way, but then again, I wonder what she thinks about me when I get myself into similar situations… perhaps I’m better off not knowing.
Thanks to all for the sage advice. : )
May 12th, 2009 at 8:32 pmI have told two friends that their manfriends were not worthy of them. One friend forgave me and I went to her wedding (to the same guy). My other friend was upset….even though some of our other friends said the same thing. Friends are going to ultimately do what they want to do. This is really something that you should say once, get it out so that they know, and then otherwise sit back and be there for them- whatever they decide.
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May 12th, 2009 at 9:14 pmI’m a little late here, but I agree with the don’t say anything group. I’ve been your friend and even when others tried to tell me what a douche I was with, I couldn’t see it. I needed to get to a point when I saw it for myself. And then I needed those friends to cry to. And they were there. And once I was ok again, they admitted how much they really hated the guy.
But then it was okay. But I couldn’t have heard it at the time. I would have mis-directed anger toward my friends. It’s hard for you, I know, but sometimes being a good friend is very hard.
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May 12th, 2009 at 9:56 pmI completely disagree with everyone, but not in the way you might think. I think in general advice is for suckers. Everyone can fuck the fuck off if they think they know what it’s like to be someone else. On the other hand, you don’t give a SHIT about this guy. You should get up in this guys face and tell him exactly the way you feel. Don’t say anything about how she feels, just tell the guy how much it’s disturbing you and how much you’ve been hurt watching her get hurt. That way you don’t have to say anything to your chickie, and the guy gets the message. The guy is clearly a top of the line d-bag and he probably won’t listen anyways, but there’s a slim chance you’ll get some change coming from him.
Simon’s last blog post..Sumpin’ New by Simon
May 13th, 2009 at 2:32 amHahaha, yeah, he really is a total douchebag, but I never see him outside of hanging out with her (I’ve actually only met him once), and I don’t know him nearly well enough to actually get all up in his grill like that.
I’m sticking to the “don’t say anything” routine because I really have made it clear (although gently) to my friend that I don’t like what she’s doing, but I really can’t (and won’t) tell her how to run her life. If it backfires again, I’ll be there for her with tissues and comfort food and plenty of crappy things to say about him, ha. : )
May 14th, 2009 at 8:38 pm