Comments on: Should I say something?

By: The Dateable Dork

The Dateable Dork — Fri, 15 May 2009 00:38:17 +0000

Hahaha, yeah, he really is a total douchebag, but I never see him outside of hanging out with her (I’ve actually only met him once), and I don’t know him nearly well enough to actually get all up in his grill like that.

I’m sticking to the “don’t say anything” routine because I really have made it clear (although gently) to my friend that I don’t like what she’s doing, but I really can’t (and won’t) tell her how to run her life. If it backfires again, I’ll be there for her with tissues and comfort food and plenty of crappy things to say about him, ha. : )

By: Simon

Simon — Wed, 13 May 2009 06:32:57 +0000

I completely disagree with everyone, but not in the way you might think. I think in general advice is for suckers. Everyone can fuck the fuck off if they think they know what it's like to be someone else. On the other hand, you don't give a SHIT about this guy. You should get up in this guys face and tell him exactly the way you feel. Don't say anything about how she feels, just tell the guy how much it's disturbing you and how much you've been hurt watching her get hurt. That way you don't have to say anything to your chickie, and the guy gets the message. The guy is clearly a top of the line d-bag and he probably won't listen anyways, but there's a slim chance you'll get some change coming from him. Simon’s last blog post..Sumpin’ New by Simon

By: OC

OC — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:56:22 +0000

I'm a little late here, but I agree with the don't say anything group. I've been your friend and even when others tried to tell me what a douche I was with, I couldn't see it. I needed to get to a point when I saw it for myself. And then I needed those friends to cry to. And they were there. And once I was ok again, they admitted how much they really hated the guy. But then it was okay. But I couldn't have heard it at the time. I would have mis-directed anger toward my friends. It's hard for you, I know, but sometimes being a good friend is very hard. OC’s last blog post..Flags

By: KT

KT — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:14:55 +0000

I have told two friends that their manfriends were not worthy of them. One friend forgave me and I went to her wedding (to the same guy). My other friend was upset....even though some of our other friends said the same thing. Friends are going to ultimately do what they want to do. This is really something that you should say once, get it out so that they know, and then otherwise sit back and be there for them- whatever they decide. KT’s last blog post..Wedding balance

By: The Dateable Dork

The Dateable Dork — Wed, 13 May 2009 00:32:03 +0000

Chuck – Welcome! Thanks for commenting. : )

I think the collective opinion here is that I should keep my mouth shut on this one, which is probably for the best. I’ve already expressed my concern (in a friendly/gentle way) several times, so she knows how I feel about the situation. I’m well aware of the fact that I could never change her mind about him, so perhaps I should just sit back and be there for her when she needs me, hoping that the light bulb switches on for her sooner rather than later. The situation is not affecting me at all, other than the fact that I hate seeing her like this, so I don’t want to cut her out completely (or even a little, actually). I just want to see her happy again.

Sooooo… maybe I just won’t say anything at all from now on. It sucks to see her this way, but then again, I wonder what she thinks about me when I get myself into similar situations… perhaps I’m better off not knowing.

Thanks to all for the sage advice. : )

By: Honey

Honey — Tue, 12 May 2009 17:32:04 +0000

Yes - I agree with Holly, though I think that if this is a genuine concern that is affecting you (whether or not it should) then you can tell her that you must remove yourself from her life completely until the situation is resolved. Say something like, "I've expressed my concerns, and I know that you share them, but you seem to be caught in this cycle. If you can get yourself out of it, then I am here for you, but until then, I just can't be a part of your life. I get too stressed watching you do this to yourself." See what that does...but only if you can stick to it. Honey’s last blog post..Tax Returns: Complete and Total Satisfaction

By: Holly Hoffman

Holly Hoffman — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:31:17 +0000

No, no, and no. Me & my sister talk about this stuff all the time and our conclusion is that you never say anything more than once. If they get back together & it works out, then you’re the friend who called him a douche & didn’t believe in them. If it doesn’t work out, your friend has the embarassment of your I-told-you-so knowledge.

Register your concern once. Let her know after that, that you will be there for her because you’re her friend, but that it’s tough to be sympathetic to a burn victim if they keep sticking their hand in the fire.

My BFF has a relationship I’m not sure is the healthiest for her. I’ve registered that concern, which she acknowledged & dismissed. I hear her out when she calls to cry because she hurts, but her problems are not *my* problems – they are not mine to solve.

Be careful not to become a mother to your friends – just be a friend. Sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut & your shoulder available for crying.

Holly Hoffman’s last blog post..Buying the puppy: Learning from mistakes & failures

By: Chris

Chris — Tue, 12 May 2009 13:55:38 +0000

Guys have a saying “bros before hos”. Which is appropriate here. She’s you’re friend, and she is aware of the fact that she is being used. You can say something to her.

I would suggest doing it delicately, try “I’m worried about you” and then go into why. Starting with “He’s a douche” is going to get her dander up and make it hard for her to see your concern. If you two really are close, you can do this without to much trouble.

By: Chuck

Chuck — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:38:32 +0000

Long time listener, first time caller here … (really, just couldn’t pass up the obvious cliche).

Having been in this position more times myself than I’d care to recount, the best (and only) thing you can do for your friend is to sit back, bite your tongue, offer opinions only when asked, and be there to pick up the pieces again. This may not be a healthy relationship at all, but she’s obviously getting something out of it that’s making it worth all the pain to her, even if that something is the delusion of a future happy life with this guy. Unfortunately, nothing you say is going to snap her out of that delusion until she figures it out for herself, and being forceful with your viewpoint is more likely to sour your friendship than it is to make her see the light.