My date with an undateable troll
Ah yes, my date on Monday night. Who could forget such a momentous occasion? My first real date since March with Chicago Boy (remember that disaster?), and I was all excited about meeting this guy who wrote in complete sentences, spelled all his words correctly, and was able to carry on an intelligent, fun, and flirty conversation over the phone. Plus, his pictures were pretty good. What’s not to like? I left work a little early on Monday and spent THREE HOURS getting ready for this date. That’s right, three whole hours. I was excited. I did my hair and makeup, I got all dressed up in a cute outfit, I painted my nails, I shaved absolutely everything (hey, you never know), I doused myself in perfume and mouthwash and was prepared to meet my new boyfriend.
I was running about ten minutes late (I had called ahead to let him know so he wouldn’t be waiting for me), but I guess he didn’t get my message because he was waiting outside the coffee shop when I got there. I saw him before he saw me, and immediately I knew it was him and I knew there was NO WAY I would ever, EVER date this guy. Shit shit shit. I briefly thought about just turning around before he saw me and skipping out of there, but alas, I’m too nice, so I kept walking toward the coffee shop to meet him anyway. I say hello, he gives me a quick little hug, and we proceed to have coffee and chat for an hour or so. The conversation wasn’t horrible, but it was just that this guy was so CREEPY and weird and troll-like that I felt all icky and dirty just being at the same table with him. It was just so incredibly uncomfortable.
At the end of the night, we wound up getting into kind of a big argument over something we had been discussing, and I figured it was actually a good thing that we were getting annoyed with each other because it would make it that much easier to end the date with absolutely NO plans to see each other again. He went to the bathroom before we left, and again, I thought about running out of there while I was waiting for him, but again, I was too nice and stuck around to at least say goodnight. He went to give me a hug again, and I really, REALLY didn’t want to touch him, but I was kind of in a weird position and it all happened so quickly and I wound up giving him a half-assed hug anyway. I thanked him for meeting me, wished him a good night, and that was that. What a fucking disaster.
You may be wondering why I’ve been calling him a troll. Well, take a few moments to pull up the mental image that comes to mind when I use the word “troll.” Got it? That is EXACTLY what this guy looked like. I’m dead serious. I’ve never seen anything like it! Allow me to elaborate:
- He was about 5’5″ (his profile said 5’8″).
- He had long scraggly hair that was in desperate need of a haircut, a brush, and some serious shampooing.
- He was wearing an old, dirty, ratty outfit (for a first date? seriously? wear a clean shirt!).
- He really needed a shower.
- His limbs were short and stumpy, especially his fingers.
- He was in need of a speech therapist or something – sorry, but it’s true.
- He had the creepiest mannerisms, as if he was plotting to wrap me up in a sack, drag me back to his hovel under a bridge somewhere, and cook me in a stew for dinner.
- His body language was awful. He kept leaning WAY in toward me at the table, and I was leaning ALL the way back in my chair. He was getting way too close to my personal space. Didn’t he get it that me leaning so far back meant that I didn’t want to be near him?
- He kept touching his face and his disgusting hair thoughout the entire night. It was really weird and really gross.
- He snorted. I’m not kidding.
- And the worst offense of all… he looked NOTHING like his photos online. Damn it all to hell!!!Â
So not only was I completely grossed out by this guy, but I was just SO amazingly aggravated that he had the nerve to deceive me like that. I felt completely duped. I had wasted so much of my time and energy on this guy, and if I had seen an accurate photo of him from the start, I would have passed right over his profile without a second thought. In fact, this morning I sent him a courteous but firm email saying that he should really update his photos with something that more accurately represents his current appearance and that it was NOT cool of him to be so dishonest with me. Fuck that little troll bastard. I can’t believe I wasted my time on him.
Also, he fucking lives with his mother and doesn’t even have a good excuse (health/finance issues, for example)! Not only that, but he lives in the same house that he grew up in, and his sister lives there too. What the hell is going on in that family? This guy is 37 (hello????) and lives at home with his mom. Give me a fucking break!!! I have NO tolerance for bullshit like that, seriously.Â
This guy was absolutely, 100%, completely undateable. Even female trolls wouldn’t date this guy. He needs a serious makeover and some education on personal hygeine and social interaction skills, not to mention a surgical separation from his mommy and his own fucking apartment. It was horrible.Â
After this awful date, I am becoming more and more convinced that there is just nothing left out there. I mean really, is THIS what I’m picking from? Is this all that’s left? If so, I’d rather die alone than date these fucking trolls. Honestly. I’ve had it with this fucking online dating thing, and I’ve nearly had it with dating in general. It’s just so not worth my time and energy if this is the kind of shit that I’m going to get out of it. Screw the whole damn thing!
Fucking undateable troll.
I had a date with a troll like that once, but it got more weird…her roommate was there too, and she had told a guy a week or two earlier she only wanted to be friends after going on 3-4 dates, yet she invited him to the movies. They both wanted me to come on a double date because they were worried he would “try something” and that he didn’t get the picture. Not only did she look like a troll and weigh 100 lbs more than I expected, but I had to deal with that. Honestly, I almost went along with it hoping I’d have an incredible story and a chance to be a hero, but when I asked about the guy, it wasn’t clear he had any potential to be psycho. It was clear my date’s roommate was extremely passive aggressive.
Anyway, I am sorry for your frustration. You are on awesome woman. You’ve probably made some of us guys snort with laughter reading your posts on occasion. Don’t let this discourage you.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:24 pmSounds like about 98% of the online dates I’ve been on. I could tell you stories, gf! Man, could I tell.. you.. stories..!!!
sigh… yup.
GWNN
July 30th, 2009 at 11:49 pmGirlwithnoname (Jackie)´s last blog ..Training in the Heat
Wow, I HATE it when people do not use correct pictures and lie. Makes you wonder why they don’t consider the fact that when you meet, you are not going to be impressed with their sparkling personality enough to overlook the fact they lied!
*hugs* do not give up hope.
July 31st, 2009 at 2:54 amGray´s last blog ..The Bar, Part 2
You imagine “troll”…I imagine “scrotum.”
July 31st, 2009 at 5:08 amVeronica and I had a similar experience in the lifestyle- seemingly good chemistry online, fun chats, attractive in pictures, then we meet and oh boy it couldn’t end soon enough!
You’re just bummed in the aftermath of a crappy date. I’m sure a cute thing like you will find a good man someday soon!
July 31st, 2009 at 7:34 amhubman´s last blog ..Yes or No
Screen photos better before your dates using facebook… Also, you might want to create a new online dating profile so that you show up in the “Newest Members” search. You’ll get way more attention.
July 31st, 2009 at 10:42 amHammer´s last blog ..Two Paths – My Thoughts
Hey! I went on a date with that guy in 2003! And another guy like that in 2006!
July 31st, 2009 at 12:03 pmHoney´s last blog ..Accomplish Something to Become More Attractive
While I feel sorry for you about your bad date, posts like this make me so happy to be married now.
July 31st, 2009 at 1:15 pmMr NYC´s last blog ..Stout
You got to go home. He still has to be that fucking undateable troll.
July 31st, 2009 at 2:25 pmHahaahahahaha! That’s what you get for online dating.
August 1st, 2009 at 10:36 amLance´s last blog ..Success: Trappings v. Substance
Hahaha, you guys are too funny! : ) Thanks for all your sympathy, and to those of you who are laughing at me… well… I guess it really *was* pretty fucking hilarious looking back on it now.
I think online dating has just about run its course for me, but dude, what do I do now? Regardless of the path forward, I think dumpster diving needs to be put on hold indefinitely because it’s just so much more trouble than it’s worth. The hell with that shit!
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:57 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..HOLY SHIT
OMG! You are hilarious! I’ve been on horrible dates such as that one as well. I hate how men can look so completely different from their online pictures. Also, don’t you just hate it when you’ve spent SEVERAL hours primping, only to find out you’ve primped for a guy you have NO interest in? It’s like wasted time. LOL. I love your blog! So glad I found it!
August 11th, 2009 at 10:11 pmStill Single´s last blog ..Indecent Proposal
So it was a bad date. You didn’t have a connection of any kind. So FN what? It happens. Calling a fellow human being a troll and ranting endlessly about him doesn’t really change anything, does it? You had a few hours you won’t get back with someone you just didn’t care for. Now you never have to see the guy again. Get over it and stop being such a prima donna.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:42 pmStill Single – Very well said, exactly my point. Thanks for stopping by and commenting! : )
mdk – Thanks for stopping by and commenting as well! Also, way to call me out on my shit, huh? : ) You’re exactly right – complaining doesn’t change what happened, and neither one of us was interested in seeing each other again. But what’s the fun of having an anonymous blog if I can’t speak my mind? As for being a prima donna… I *did* grow up on Long Island…
August 22nd, 2009 at 3:24 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Rescheduled
Requiring basic hygeine and grooming from someone else and a reasonable amount of Above basic grooming for a date does not make DD a prima donna. They are reasonable requirements. DD , I choked laughing at this exploit, sorry to laugh at your incredulous horror of this person, but laughable is really the only healthy light to in which to look at this one. Even if he had showered and cleaned up(you know, gone out a limb), I doubt it would have made up for the dishonesty. Are you sure it was him..maybe someone else was doing the phone chats A la Cyrano de Bergerac. Anyway, this was briliant…right down to the last three words.Don’t fake posters know that as soon as you see them you are going to know they lied and this makes for a crappy first impression? Jeez.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:45 amMaria – Hahaha, thanks for your comment! It was definitely him in the photos, but those photos must have been really old or at least prior to his serious decline in personal hygeine. And yes, even if he had cleaned up a little more, I still would have been pissed at his blatant dishonesty, and I still would have been totally creeped out by his troll-like mannerisms. Eeewwwwwwwwww. SO glad that’s over!
November 5th, 2009 at 8:34 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Bachelors beware: confessions of an education snob