Focusing inward
I hate to admit it (because it means that he’s still exerting his unwavering power over me), but the recent news about David is really eating away at me. I’ve been unable to focus on anything else all weekend, and I’m feeling uncomfortable, upset, and highly meditative. I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings by devoting a significant portion of my day today to purposeful thinking, actively trying to ascertain exactly what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. It’s a difficult process, particularly because I think I’m still in shock and am still experiencing the aftershocks of Thursday night’s earthquake. To be perfectly honest, this is hitting me really, really hard.
The photo above was taken yesterday at a very relaxing little spot by the water. I love when seashells are used as gravel, and I particularly love the contrast of the white shells against my blue patent leather shoes. I found myself looking down at my feet a lot this weekend, and I liked this photo because it represents my focus inward as I sort out the flurry of emotions that have taken over my life for the past few days. I also think the photo has an innocent quality to it, and the extreme vulnerability and exposure I’m feeling right now makes me yearn for more innocent, less complicated times in my life.Â
One thing that keeps coming back to me is this: Out of all the guys that have faded in and out of my life over the past few years, why have I kept David around so consistently and for so long? What IS that certain indescribable something about him that I’ve found so hard to resist? In light of my recent discovery, what redeeming qualities could possibly remain that are making it so difficult for me to let go?Â
I find myself mourning the loss of an inhumane monster, and I can’t seem to reconcile that.
I’d like you to email me. You’re making way too much out of this and I’d like to share my insights.
’nuff said.
GWNN
October 12th, 2009 at 2:15 amGirlwithnoname (Jackie)´s last blog ..Dietary Fat Is NOT The Same As Body Fat!
You meant nothing to this guy. He never liked you. He’s been using you for years now and you’ve allowed it. He’s a monster? He’s a spolied baby. DD, I’m so unhappy. DD, I’m so lonely. DD help me. You mourn him? He never liked you. He’s a user and he used you. You’re over it.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:43 amYou should stop punishing yourself and start taking action, I think – actions like blocking his e-mail and phone number…
October 12th, 2009 at 12:06 pmHoney´s last blog ..Life. Just Life.
Sending good vibes your way.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:30 pmLance´s last blog ..Life. Just Life.
It’s all chemical. All that oxytocin and dopamine and all that good feeling chemicals are released when you’re around him, making you think, “Damn, he’s sexy.”
Plus, they ingrain themselves in your brain in the same areas as OCD, thus making you think of him constantly.
Heck, I know how it is. I think of my fiance constantly. Like all the time.
So you need to fight the chemistry. :p
But seriously, I’m agreeing with the recommendation in a previous comment to block this guy from email, phone, delete him from your phone, and I would add to go out there and meet some new guy who is less toxic. Create some new neural pathways for yourself.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:40 pmDD,
It is a tough one and I am sure many have found themelves in similar situations, including me many years ago. It’s tough now, but you are a smart lady and in time you will separate yourself from things that cause you undue stress. I know it doesn’t help you now, but it does get a little easier every day.
Hang in there!
V
October 12th, 2009 at 8:48 pmGirlwithnoname – Perhaps, but I need to deal with my emotions as they come. This was a tough one for me.
Not Hot Marine – I agree with everything you said, and I knew all those things all along. However, it was a different story when I thought he was single. Living with his girlfriend changes everything, and (a) I hate that was a part of that, and (b) I hate that the person I thought I knew turned out to be so much worse than I thought he was.
Honey – Hopefully I’ll move past it soon enough, but I do want to give myself some time to deal with the blow to my system.
Lance – Thanks, same to you.
Mr_Right – There is definitely a chemical component to it… I always get that crazy adrenaline rush when he gets in touch with me. I’ll need to go through withdrawal now, which will be fine because I’ve done it with him several times before.
Vince – Sorry to hear this has happened to you too. If you survived, hopefully I will too. : )
October 12th, 2009 at 9:02 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Focusing inward
Three words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Read up on it and see if David fits the description. I’m betting he does. I had a similar experience. What makes it so hard is that you cared about someone who didn’t really exist. He made you feel wonderful (sometimes) but now you have to come to terms with the fact that the person who made you feel that way was an illusion. It sucks. I know. Good luck.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:14 pmI was in a “relationship” with a man for 2 years until I found out that he was married with 2 children and also had another “girlfriend”. Boy was I dumb.
The fact is, these men are sociopaths and don’t see themselves as doing anything wrong. Another term for this is dickhead. Do what you have to do to get through it – you’ll come out alive.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pmErica´s last blog ..How Did That Happen?
Anon – Exactly – the person I thought I knew was a complete illusion. How scary is that??? I don’t know much about narcissistic personality disorder, but that certainly sounds like something a manipulative egomaniac like David could have. Geez, what a psycho that guy is.
Erica – Ouch! Wow, that’s absolutely awful, and I’m so sorry to hear that that happened to you. What a fucking jerk!!! Excellent use of the term “dickhead” – I’ll have to adopt that one. : )
October 13th, 2009 at 11:36 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Focusing inward