Are you “miserable” being single?
A few weeks ago when this blog was absolutely exploding with craziness surrounding my now-infamous list of dating requirements and educational snobbery, reader/commenter Mr_Right referred me to this article which talks about whether it’s worth it to settle for a decent guy (or girl) instead of wallowing in singledom for all eternity. Basically, it recommends marrying for companionship if you can’t seem to find that magical lovey-dovey spark that you’ve been holding out for. The article struck such a chord with me that I wound up forwarding the link to a bunch of my single girlfriends, and I wound up talking to one of them about it over sushi this weekend. Here’s how the conversation went:
Friend: “Oh, by the way, I read that article you sent me.”
DD: “Oh really? So what do you think? I’m not so sure that I agree with everything in there, particularly the bit about settling for a guy you’re not thrilled about.”
Friend: “Well, I don’t know, I think I actually agree with that. I think it might be better to settle than to be miserable by myself.”
DD: “What?!? Are you really ‘miserable’ by yourself??? I’m certainly not!”
And then it hit me… I can honestly say that I’m NOT miserable being single these days. Sure, I’d prefer being with someone over being single, but am I really “miserable” alone? No fucking way! Especially these days. I’ve got a ton of great (GREAT!) stuff going on right now, and I’ve gotten incredibly comfortable on my own two feet. I push away sleazy bar monkeys on the dance floor in favor of dancing with either with my girlfriends or (gasp!) by myself (there’s more room for funky moves when you’re not attached to a dude), I go to movies by myself, I’m going to that upcoming Broadway show by myself (it was the only way I could snag that front row seat!), and I’m super independent in a lot of other ways. Plus, after some recent conversations with married friends, I’m not so sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be. Of course there are wonderful things about marriage, but I’m really enjoying the absolute freedom I have right now, and I find that I’m one of the few people I know who is truly 100% uncommitted. It’s actually… invigorating.
I went through a pretty rough year last year, what with “the incident” and associated mental breakdown, my subsequent health problems (both STD-related and some other crap), and some serious emotional damage from both of these things combined with a string of bad dates (troll date, anyone?). Truth be told, I was pretty miserable for a while. But now? Now I feel great! I’ve been privately referring to 2009 as my “year of personal improvements” – I dropped 25 pounds and 2 dress sizes, I learned a ton about nutrition, I started embracing my naturally curly hair, I got promoted at work, I had a successful summer of running, I ran my first official race, I made the decision to finally apply to grad school, I fucking kicked ass on the GRE, and my school applications are nearly complete. All that’s left are the holidays, and then my big 30th birthday bash in January. Awesome on all fronts!!!
Being single is something that definitely has its good points and its bad points, and of course I’d welcome a little companionship and a shot in the arm for my sex life, not to mention a second income to help pay for my ridiculously high cost of living here in New York. BUT, am I miserable without them? Absolutely not. I’m getting along by myself just fine, thank you very much. : )
And honestly, if my friend is miserable by herself, I’d certainly like to help her fix that. I’ve been encouraging her to do things for herself, to spend a little extra money on things that will make a difference in her self confidence and state of mind. For example, she’s been pondering getting a tattoo, and I think she should totally go for it! It’ll give her that little boost that might help to push her out of whatever misery she might find herself in. I don’t know what, if anything, will actually help her feel ok with being single, but every little bit helps, right?
Anyway, that’s the story. What do you think? Are you “miserable” being single? Did finding someone bring you out of your misery? Are you more miserable now that you’re with someone than before (I hope not!)? Are you single and loving it?? : )
I think about the implications of happiness and singledom all the time and I went back and forth on this for years. I also went through some miserable times and some times when I was happy being single. I’m not miserable when I’m single, but I’m not complete or joyful either. Because there are so many wonderful moments in life that must be spent with someone else. You know those moments? I’ve also realized I really enjoy making someone else happy and giving, and you can’t do that when you’re single, not really.
I’ve read that article before and what you can take from it is that there are no perfect, White Knights out there. Be pragmatic about what you’re looking for. I have basically one requirement for a girlfriend: How does she make me feel? If she makes me feel awesome, and that makes me want to make her happy and spend time with her, then she’s a keeper. Everything else–sex, looks, commonalities–will follow naturally.
November 24th, 2009 at 2:48 amSettling?
Gah. The idea kinda makes me wretch, and it’s not exactly flattering for the poor sop you settle for is it?
“Yeah, I’m not head over heels in love with you or anything like that. You’re okay and everything, just not who I imagined I’d spend the rest of my life with. So how about it?”
Who wouldn’t want to hear that over a romantic dinner?
Seriously though, you mention the self-confidence thing and I think you’re onto something. People settle because their sense of self is smaller than their need to “belong” with someone – they don’t believe they can do better in life by themselves.
The flip side of that is the women I talk with who have become so self-reliant, so confident in themselves and so independent that they’ve forgotten how to give up the autonomy that being in a relationship often involves.
There’s an irony here in that by gaining the confidence to be independent, successful and happy it’s possible to lose the confidence necessary to give up that independence and embrace a relationship. The fear of losing control takes root.
You’re a smart gal DD – go support your friend and keep having a ball.
November 24th, 2009 at 6:48 amSteve Errey´s last blog ..Do You Have the Confidence of Your Convictions?
You cannot find Love if you don’t fully love yourself first!
If you search for a partner to bring you fulfillment, happiness or even self-confidence you don’t love yourself enough…
November 24th, 2009 at 7:19 amI thought I was happy when I was single. I had said to myself, dude, you’re in a good spot, you’re happy, you’ve got your life together, you’re going places.
And then I met her. And I found out what happiness truly was.
November 24th, 2009 at 8:22 amBeing happier when you’re with the right person is just as obvious and flawed an argument for being in a relationship as “love yourself and the rest will follow” is for being single.
Really (not that this is any less cliche) all you can do is live in the moment – happiness is a decision you make, not something you wait to happen to you. And I think Lance’s criterion is a good one!
November 24th, 2009 at 8:50 amHoney´s last blog ..I’ve Had Such Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.
For me, miserableness and happiness aren’t associated with one way or the other. This is probably more true than it would be if I were older (I’m just turning 21) and anxious that I haven’t started a family yet.
For now a least, there is a certain liberating feeling that I only get when I’m alone, and it’s especially likely to happen when I’m single. It’s the feeling of knowing that I love myself, that I’m comfortable with myself, that life is good..
Of course, there is nothing like falling in love. Though that “free” feeling is a little like falling in love with myself, there’s a certain amount of wondrousness at falling in love with a person so completely different. He thinks differently, he chooses differently.. it’s not at all what I would do, but it’s amazing and beautiful! You know..that feeling..
November 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pmM.S.´s last blog ..A View of Argentina I
And do not underestimate the schmoopie. :p
November 24th, 2009 at 7:23 pmYes yes, the schmoopiness is awesome, I certainly know that. : )
Being in a relationship is definitely something I want and that I think will make my life more meaningful and complete, but it was definitely a big step for me to be “not miserable” on my own. There’s a difference betweein “not miserable” and “joyful and fulfilled,” and I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m completely satisfied with my current situation.
Interesting note about being “too independent” from years of being single and not being able/willing to give that up in order to fully commit to a relationship. I’ve been told by a handful of people (including a few guys that I’ve dated, and my mother) that I’m “too independent” and that it can actually be a turn-off to guys. First of all, if guys are turned off by this, too freaking bad. Second of all, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let go of my fiercely independent nature? I don’t think I want to!
I have to admit, I’m really glad that I’ve had at least one good, solid, meaningful relationship so that at least I know what to look for (and what I’m missing). As they always say, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I have my schmoopy memories, and I love them. : )
November 24th, 2009 at 9:53 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Are you “miserable” being single?
I wonder. Would you change your fiercely independent nature if it means you would have a better shot at nabbing a quality guy?
If you do online dating, I have to say that girls have it a bit easier. However, to find a quality mate, that takes quite a bit of time. I know. For a year I spent maybe 1-2 hours a day responding to email, sending emails, and talking to women on the phone. It took a LOT of work to find the one, at least it did for me. I know people who get on and in a month they meet their soulmate, but that’s the exception, not the rule. Just saying, it takes a lot of work and effort to find someone who is really a great match.
I think the crux of the settling argument is that it’s basically saying you can’t have it all and you need to compromise on something. Completely unlike the TV shows and sappy romantic comedies (that I’m not a fan of but watch with my fiance anyway… I swear I’ve seen more romantic comedies in the last year than the past twenty years). Because let’s face it. People think, hey, I’ve got a great degree, I’m making a lot of money, I should be able to pick who I want. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.
Any examples on how you feel your fiercely independent nature is impeding your dating? You do let the guy pay on the first couple of dates, right?
(but on date 3 or so, you pick up the tab for something, it totally shows interest)
Plus do you think that you might start a family someday? I think that one of the goals of most guys is to start a family, so if you do decide that you don’t want kids, well, that rules a lot of guys out.
And that sort of ties into the whole settling arguement. I think that Gottlieb was saying to not settle for someone who makes you miserable, but if you want a husband, house, children, and a red house with a white picket fence, then you should settle earlier in life rather than later, because later in life, dating is tougher for women.
Besides, we all settle anyway. The tough part is accepting that.
November 25th, 2009 at 4:01 pmI do think that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another person. But I think settling just seems insane. However, I’m single and pregnant, so you might not want to listen to me.
November 25th, 2009 at 4:15 pmErica´s last blog ..No Pumpkin Pie for Me, Thank You
The idea of being with someone just for the sake of being with someone seems like a lonelier existence than actually being alone. That’s how bad marriages are made — and ultimately, how divorces are made too. I’m not sure getting a tattoo will boost your friend’s spirits, but it’s gotta be better than settling for some schmuck she’s not really into.
November 25th, 2009 at 4:42 pmMarc´s last blog ..THE ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
Hi DD,
November 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pmI’m torn on this topic. Part of me thinks I should never settle for anything less than the “schmoopies” as it was said, and part of me thinks that I have unreasonable expectations. I was thinking about this the other day while watching “500 days of Summer” (great flick). In the films intro the announcer says something to the effect that the main characters take on love and relationships was skewed by “sad british pop songs and total misreading of the movie The Graduate.” Has my take on love been romanticized by an upbringing in our love obsessed culture. Absolutely. Would I want it any other way? I don’t think so.
you’re super independent if you go to movies and broadway shows by yourself. not something i’m comfortable doing (or have ever done), but good for you!
November 26th, 2009 at 2:22 amive been single my whole life
December 5th, 2009 at 5:35 ami have no self esteem
no confidence
i am ugly
fat
cant have kids
and some think thats bad attitude
hmm how is telling the truth batt attitude
besides i dont care what they think
bottom line i am miserable
all my facebook friends
married
all but maybe me and someone else
another is single
but shes divorced
ill never marry
and not its not a choice
people say go out and do something about it
um do what?
i cant attract a guy
because i am not attractive
thats fact
I was married when I was 22 and it was the loneliest and most miserable time in my life. He was a great ‘companion’- similar life goals, ideals, sense of humour and the sex wasn’t even that bad but there was no passion whatsoever. I wasn’t in love with him. I stayed with him far too long because of the lie people tell themselves and others about how the passion dies away anyway and the companionship is more important.
Since I left him (at age 24), I’ve never been happier and refuse to settle and get in that situation again. Now I am 33 and single so all around me my friends are ‘settling’ because they want to have kids before it’s too late and don’t seem happy at all once they realise getting married and having a child is not the end game. But then again I think they’d be even more miserable if they were single…
December 11th, 2009 at 6:53 am