Since I left him (at age 24), I’ve never been happier and refuse to settle and get in that situation again. Now I am 33 and single so all around me my friends are ‘settling’ because they want to have kids before it’s too late and don’t seem happy at all once they realise getting married and having a child is not the end game. But then again I think they’d be even more miserable if they were single…

If you do online dating, I have to say that girls have it a bit easier. However, to find a quality mate, that takes quite a bit of time. I know. For a year I spent maybe 1-2 hours a day responding to email, sending emails, and talking to women on the phone. It took a LOT of work to find the one, at least it did for me. I know people who get on and in a month they meet their soulmate, but that’s the exception, not the rule. Just saying, it takes a lot of work and effort to find someone who is really a great match.

I think the crux of the settling argument is that it’s basically saying you can’t have it all and you need to compromise on something. Completely unlike the TV shows and sappy romantic comedies (that I’m not a fan of but watch with my fiance anyway… I swear I’ve seen more romantic comedies in the last year than the past twenty years). Because let’s face it. People think, hey, I’ve got a great degree, I’m making a lot of money, I should be able to pick who I want. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.

Any examples on how you feel your fiercely independent nature is impeding your dating? You do let the guy pay on the first couple of dates, right? (but on date 3 or so, you pick up the tab for something, it totally shows interest)

Plus do you think that you might start a family someday? I think that one of the goals of most guys is to start a family, so if you do decide that you don’t want kids, well, that rules a lot of guys out.

And that sort of ties into the whole settling arguement. I think that Gottlieb was saying to not settle for someone who makes you miserable, but if you want a husband, house, children, and a red house with a white picket fence, then you should settle earlier in life rather than later, because later in life, dating is tougher for women.

Besides, we all settle anyway. The tough part is accepting that.

Being in a relationship is definitely something I want and that I think will make my life more meaningful and complete, but it was definitely a big step for me to be “not miserable” on my own. There’s a difference betweein “not miserable” and “joyful and fulfilled,” and I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m completely satisfied with my current situation.

Interesting note about being “too independent” from years of being single and not being able/willing to give that up in order to fully commit to a relationship. I’ve been told by a handful of people (including a few guys that I’ve dated, and my mother) that I’m “too independent” and that it can actually be a turn-off to guys. First of all, if guys are turned off by this, too freaking bad. Second of all, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let go of my fiercely independent nature? I don’t think I want to!

I have to admit, I’m really glad that I’ve had at least one good, solid, meaningful relationship so that at least I know what to look for (and what I’m missing). As they always say, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I have my schmoopy memories, and I love them. : )
The Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Are you “miserable” being single?

For now a least, there is a certain liberating feeling that I only get when I’m alone, and it’s especially likely to happen when I’m single. It’s the feeling of knowing that I love myself, that I’m comfortable with myself, that life is good..

Of course, there is nothing like falling in love. Though that “free” feeling is a little like falling in love with myself, there’s a certain amount of wondrousness at falling in love with a person so completely different. He thinks differently, he chooses differently.. it’s not at all what I would do, but it’s amazing and beautiful! You know..that feeling..
M.S.´s last blog ..A View of Argentina I

Really (not that this is any less cliche) all you can do is live in the moment – happiness is a decision you make, not something you wait to happen to you. And I think Lance’s criterion is a good one!
Honey´s last blog ..I’ve Had Such Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.

And then I met her. And I found out what happiness truly was.

If you search for a partner to bring you fulfillment, happiness or even self-confidence you don’t love yourself enough…

Gah. The idea kinda makes me wretch, and it’s not exactly flattering for the poor sop you settle for is it?

“Yeah, I’m not head over heels in love with you or anything like that. You’re okay and everything, just not who I imagined I’d spend the rest of my life with. So how about it?”

Who wouldn’t want to hear that over a romantic dinner?

Seriously though, you mention the self-confidence thing and I think you’re onto something. People settle because their sense of self is smaller than their need to “belong” with someone – they don’t believe they can do better in life by themselves.

The flip side of that is the women I talk with who have become so self-reliant, so confident in themselves and so independent that they’ve forgotten how to give up the autonomy that being in a relationship often involves.

There’s an irony here in that by gaining the confidence to be independent, successful and happy it’s possible to lose the confidence necessary to give up that independence and embrace a relationship. The fear of losing control takes root.

You’re a smart gal DD – go support your friend and keep having a ball.
Steve Errey´s last blog ..Do You Have the Confidence of Your Convictions?

I’ve read that article before and what you can take from it is that there are no perfect, White Knights out there. Be pragmatic about what you’re looking for. I have basically one requirement for a girlfriend: How does she make me feel? If she makes me feel awesome, and that makes me want to make her happy and spend time with her, then she’s a keeper. Everything else–sex, looks, commonalities–will follow naturally.