Dumped on Facebook
I have a friend who was recently dumped on Facebook. Kind of. Apparently she and this guy had been starting something up – lots of phone calls, texts, and one actual date – and then suddenly he changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship” – with someone else. Uhhh, what the fuck??? Apparently, unbeknownst to my friend, he had been starting something up with another girl simultaneously, and I guess he finally picked her over my friend. And instead of talking to my very nice friend about this, he just slapped up his Facebook status and that was that. Needless to say, my friend was pissed and an argument ensued. This is (a) totally fucking ridiculous and immature, and (b) yet another reason why I won’t date men in their 20s (this guy is about 27 or so).
Over the past year or so, I’ve read a bunch of articles on how social networking sites, and Facebook in particular, have influenced real-life relationships for better or for worse (but mostly for worse). In particular, I’ve heard so many stories of being “dumped” on Facebook by seeing your significant other change their status (either to “single” or to “in a relationship” with someone else) without informing you in real life that the relationship is over. Let me repeat: what the fuck???
Is this what our society has come to? Where we’re so withdrawn from reality that the internet becomes a substitute for real life? Don’t get me wrong, I admit that I’m guilty of this myself. I’m a self-proclaimed internet junkie, and this blog is just one piece of evidence in a high-piled stack. But I just can’t seem to fathom ending a relationship by changing my Facebook status. In fact, my (newly created) Facebook profile doesn’t even list my “status” or that I’m “interested in men” or anything like that at all. Facebook is just a place where my real life friends and I share photos and waste time when we’re supposed to be working. When I want to talk about my dating/sex life… well… that’s what this blog is for. : )
Anyway, I just wanted to voice my frustration with this ridiculous internet phenomenon and re-assert my personal opinion that I’m not quite sold on this whole Facebook thing in the first place. Sometimes it’s better to just pick up the phone, you know?
One date does not a relationship make.
Was your friend exclusive with this guy? If so, she has every right to be pissed. If not, then she should be dating others along with this guy until some guy decides to step up to the plate and be in a relationship with her.
Instead of being pissed, she should be thankful that: a) she found out what his true colors are early; b) she now has the time to find a guy who IS into her.
It sounds like she got too attached, too soon. Perhaps she should lower her expectations of “relationship” until after the guy has stepped up and made her his girlfriend.
And yes, the guy should have called. I sent emails and phone calls to the girls I was talking to when I went from single to taken. Eh, he was being passive-agressive and avoiding conflict, because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Best not to be dating that type anyway.
December 1st, 2009 at 10:29 pmCouldn’t agree more Mr. Right. A guy doesn’t owe a girl anything after one date, even if they had sex. If you go on one date and then get involved with someone else, the best move is to totally ignore the other girl. If things don’t work out, you can always call her back and start things up again. Girls especially will understand, since they date on average more guys at a time, and since they are attracted to guys who can get other women anyway.
You’re starting to get really bitter. We get it, it’s way harder to find a great guy than a great girl; that doesn’t mean you should throw rationality out the window out of loyalty toward your friend.
By supporting her in being upset about this, you are enabling her scapegoating, which is quite unhelpful in the long run for her. Sometimes timing is everything, and sometimes he’s just not that into you. Either way, one date does not entitle her to anything, and you of all people should know that.
December 1st, 2009 at 11:25 pmHammer´s last blog ..Article on Exercise Not Leading to Weight Loss
This is why I will NEVER become ‘friends’ with a guy on Facebook until were at least exclusive and I wont say I am ‘in a relationship’ either until I am living with someone or engaged.
A friend of mine was dating a guy and he demanded that she change her status to ‘In a relationship’ because she was. At this point they didn’t know what their ‘relationship’ was as he was in town for a contract for work and was potential moving out of town after.
Months later he decided to create a facebook account. It is totally blocked to anyone and he is only friends with two people her and his brother. None of us in our group – who his only ‘real’ friends is this part of the world. Oh and he wont let her say ‘in a relationship’ to him – ie link them as a couple.
Another thing he did a couple of months ago was go through all her photos one day (personally I think he only got a facebook acct to ‘spy’ on her online activities…) well he stumbled across photos I had posted of her at a singles ball where she was kissing another guy (a year prior to him ) and he asked her to ask me to actually remove the photos.
They are now engaged (still not linked on facebook) and all is well but it just goes to show how crazy facebook makes people.
Another person I know was dating a guy for months and one day he deleted her as a friend… they had been exclusive for several months (and are still together a year and a half later) but we never did find out why he did that – they are fb ‘freinds’ again now.
If I date a guy in the future who insist on being ‘friends’ with me I will restrict his profile from the beginning (using facebook privacy setting i have several levels of ‘friends’) and so he wont notice or know certain stuff on there. Just to save this sort of drama.
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:29 amOzgirl´s last blog ..A crazy couple of days.
Just very recently someone told me that two lovers we know are on the “outs” with one another. When I inquired “why,” the response was that his status abruptly changed on Facebook to “single.” After thinking about that for a while, I realized just how different everything has become in the digital age.
On that same token, I got a funny love/hate relationship with Facebook. It’s fun to do and fun to see what all your friends are up to. On the other hand, for some reason it pisses me off when a friend who hasn’t talked to you in a while comments in person on things happening with you based on your Facebook. I dunno why I feel that way, kinda feels like a poor surrogate for personally keeping in touch, I dunno.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:16 amI changed my facebook status from single to in a relationship last week.
Suddenly a lot of people (mostly women) initiated conversation.
(sigh).
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:11 amJake and I met on MySpace, but no one uses that anymore…we pretty much took all our information down though our profiles are still active. I don’t remember when we changed our status to “in a relationship” – after we’d been dating 3, 4 months?
In fact, the only thing I think is weird about that story is that the guy considers himself in a relationship with the other girl when they (probably) haven’t been dating any longer than he and your friend were. It sounds like he just changed his status as a way of dumping your friend and not a way of moving things to the next level with the other girl. Good riddance.
I finally switched to Facebook and am getting used to it, though I really don’t like the fact that you can’t have a blog on there. Jake, OTOH, doesn’t even have a Facebook…I use mine to keep in touch with all his friends for him
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:49 pmHoney´s last blog ..I’ve Had Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.
Hammer: Eh, I don’t think she sounds bitter. Frustrated by guys lack of common sense, maybe.
I think it’s all part of the dating game though. I’d have girls stop calling me and I’ve been the one to stop calling them. It’s just the way things worked. You just have to try to be upstanding and do the right thing while dating (and don’t forget to look out for number one :p ).
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:52 pmagree with hammer. one date doesn’t amount to shit.
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pmI would agree even though I am a girl. One date is nothing. Expected that the other party is still dating around if no exclusivity was established.
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 pmAh, yes – I was always dating someone else unless I said I wasn’t. Wait, that’s not true – I flat out told Lance when we started dating that we weren’t exclusive even though I wasn’t seeing anyone else. I thought I had a good reason for doing that at the time, but in retrospect my reason was probably that I was 23 and flaky.
Jake and I were exclusive from the first date, but that’s because we talked about it and agreed on the second date (which was the day after the first date, so though I suppose he could have squeezed another one in there I’m pretty sure he didn’t!).
December 4th, 2009 at 11:00 amHoney´s last blog ..I’ve Had Weird Dating Experiences Lately. But I Think I Have a Girlfriend.
I don’t think the point was how long or whether or not they were exclusive I think it was more that she found out on Facebook that he was seeing other people….
I think the lesson here is to limit what someone your seeing can see on the internet until you are exclusive otherwise it opens a whole can of worms…
December 4th, 2009 at 7:59 pmGreat post. I have a friend whos ejust had a Facebook baby. But you’re right, you hear about far more disasters. There was that case in England a few months back of a husband killing his estranged wife after she changed her status to ‘single’.
December 10th, 2009 at 7:46 amCheck out my dating disastersif you get a minute.
Jimmy´s last blog ..The Thong
I had something similar happen to me. I had been dating him for three months and had confirmed with him that a) we were exclusive, b) he did not have any girlfriends and things were over with his ex (who lives in another country), c) we were in a relationship and d) I was his girlfriend (he was even introducing me as such to his friends). We are not facebook friends so I cannot see his profile. However, his ex’s facebook wall and info is public and a day after I last saw him (and everything was fine), I saw that her relationship status was updated to being in a relationship with him. Guess that means it’s over.
July 26th, 2010 at 10:07 am