Unfortunate
“A girl with an unfortunate nose.” I read that in a book somewhere once (or maybe it was online? who can remember anymore…), and it struck a chord with me. Short of plastic surgery, you can’t control the shape of your nose. You can’t control a lot of things, actually, but I’m ok with that. I admit it – I have a big Jewish nose. Or a big German nose. Or a big Russian nose. Some people tell me I look Greek. Someone once said I look Egyptian. Most people say I look Jewish, what with the nose and all. But the point is this: you don’t have a say in the face you’re born with. And after many teenage years of hating my face, now I’m pretty much ok with it. I even like my big nose – it adds character, you know? Character is always a good thing. : )
What’s unfortunate is that, in the world of online dating, it’s all about the face. Don’t deny it – we all do it. I admit it – I totally judge guys on their faces! If I’m not attracted to the headshot, I won’t even bother to click on their profile. I won’t. I admit it. And you know what? That’s unfortunate. What’s also unfortunate is that I have one of those faces that doesn’t get many clicks. It doesn’t matter what I write in my profile – no one reads it. It doesn’t matter if I like dogs or cats or like to play tennis in my spare time or wrote some witty little comment that is actually pretty funny if you get down that far. It doesn’t matter – because no one gets down that far.  It doesn’t matter if I starve myself to get a smokin’ hot body so that I’ll look amazing when we meet for coffee, because we’ll never meet for coffee, and you’ll never find out how great I look in a pair of jeans. One look at my unfortunate face, and I’m instantly dismissed. It’s unfortunate.
I’ve noticed over my last few rounds of online dating that my email (and “wink”) return rate is zero. Not close to zero, but actually zero. As in, I could write 50 emails, and I’ll get zero back. These guys are looking at my headshot and hitting delete. I see them looking at me on that dreaded “who’s viewed me” page, so I know they got my message, but I’ll never hear from any of them. My messages are short enough and friendly enough, but it doesn’t matter. I could tell them that I just got back from a Playboy photoshoot, but they’ll never know because they don’t read my messages. One look at the face – that’s all it takes.
Don’t get me wrong – I do indeed attract some guys: the guys who are old enough to be my father. For some reason, they don’t mind the unfortunate face as much. Too bad, because I mind the fact that they’re old and crusty. Ironic, isn’t it?
It’s unfortunate that online dating is all about the face. It’s unfortunate that I have a big Jewish/German/Russian/Egyptian nose. It’s unfortunate that my headshot is always dismissed. It’s really unfortunate that I’m actually a great catch once you get past the face, and it’s unfortunate that no one will ever figure that out. Online dating is an unfortunate black hole in which nothing matters except a pretty face, and for those of us lacking in this essential ingredient, the outcome is rather… unfortunate.
Le sigh. I hate online dating.
Bullshit. In the history of your blog, you’ve had some trolls, some ok dates, some slightly better ones, and some rawkin sex, all from online dating, which is pretty much what we all experience, which is something short of spectacular but above the line for the le sigh ride at the fair.
I think you are feeling lonely right now and anxious about the big changes ahead of you in your life, and yes, it would be nice to have someone with you to share that excitement and fear. But I just met someone last night — the cousin of a girl I want to get with who is pseudo dating Luke Wilson, fuck my life — who went on and on about how he loves tall, thin girls with big noses.
So rethink your East coast decision and come to the BEST coast. I’ll set you two up if I don’t have my way with you myself.
March 31st, 2010 at 12:43 amI think you’re just feeling bad right now and being too critical of yourself, but deep down inside you know you don’t totally believe in what you’re saying here. For one thing, you’ve dated plenty of people you’ve met online!
Moreover, body matters a bunch! At least you’re not fat!! Alternatively, obese AND ugly people get dates/spouses too, so you know it can’t be all about looks (or faces).
Maybe you just have a bad picture up….have you tried a different profile pic and asking your girl friends for their thoughts?
I don’t think online dating differs that much from meeting people in real life. Confidence is what’s really attractive.
Also, you can try being more open minded about guys. You should be less judgmental of guys’ looks and go purely by that. When YOU are so looks-focused, you think everyone else is (guys are), because people tend to think that others think like themselves.
Have you thought about joining J-Date instead of Match?
March 31st, 2010 at 1:43 amThat’s the unfortunate truth about it, it is all about the picture FIRST when it comes to that online dating crap. Or more specifically, everything is held to far higher standards online than in person, that’s just how finicky we humans are. You can’t see a personality from a photo at all, and even if the picture passes the seal of approval, then you have the profile to deal with.
However, I think people tend to be skeptical or cautious as well – and rightfully so – with all the situations where the person misrepresented themselves / looked far worse than the photo (didn’t you hit this situation with a troll guy, IIRC?). I’ve heard the odd occasion too where the photo didn’t do them justice, but I’ve heard far more of the former than the latter, heh.
I wouldn’t get bent out of shape about the online dating, real life is real…online is fake.
On another note, did you reactivate an old account? Those tend to get bumped way in the back of search results in favor of newly registered people.
March 31st, 2010 at 1:59 amOH THANK GOD! (Sorry please permit me to say that because i relish the fact that someone else has the same problem)
I have the exact same problem! My online dating experience is dismal to say the least – I have NEVER had a response from guys that I have approached…. and in 4 years that I have had several profiles online, i think I have maybe been on 10 dates!
What shits me though is that I watch friends try it and they whinge about how it is such a chore getting hundreds of emails and wink equivalents that they get… oh what i would kill to be be that popular…. I have several friends who are in serious relationships (including living with and married) to guys they meet online.
Speed dating also doesn’t work for me,3 times and not a single match – and I remember once a work college went speeding dating and I thought she is such a troll she will get no matches… she matched 7 out of 10 and went on 3 dates…….
March 31st, 2010 at 6:16 amOzgirl´s last blog ..A quick post
Create a new profile. Guys look for the Newest First a lot. Also put up full body pictures that show off your figure. You’re out of your mind if you think guys really are about your face.
March 31st, 2010 at 11:14 amHammer´s last blog ..I Dare You to Flake
I don’t think it’s a concern that can be trivialized – I am sure there is some truth to it, and you’ve talked about it before on several occasions so regardless of others’ perceptions of your nose, obviously it bothers YOU.
I do think you’ve probably got it out of proportion a little, though. I think that having a friend take a bunch of photos of you until you get a good face shot, putting up photos that show your full body, and creating a new profile will all help.
Are you willing to lower your own physical standards to get a guy who’s awesome in other ways (smarts, success, kindness, etc.)?
March 31st, 2010 at 12:42 pmHoney´s last blog ..When I Act Dumb Chicks Want To Sleep With Me More
*insert Bergerac nose speech here*
March 31st, 2010 at 4:21 pmAlso, there are just times in a month where a girl feels extra critical and unhappy with her body/face/self. You’re probably just in a funk and will feel better soon.
March 31st, 2010 at 4:54 pmThis is EXACTLY why online dating sucks.
http://www.simonandcole.com/the-simon-and-cole-show-episode-2-online-dating
March 31st, 2010 at 8:23 pmThanks for all the advice / encouragement / support. : ) It’s no secret that I’ve been in a dating funk lately, and this online bullshit just exacerbates it. A few comments:
I have set of great photos up – all pictures that came out really well on days when I was dressed up, was having a good hair day, etc. I love those pictures of me! But I didn’t Photoshop my face into the gorgeous bombshell that these guys are looking for, so that’s that. I have full body shots up, so my figure is right out there in the open. I haven’t created a new profile, though, so perhaps I should consider that.
But honestly, I don’t think a new profile is going to magically fix the problem.
To clarify, the number of guys who I ignore solely based on the headshot is very, very low. I only ignore photos that “repulse me.” That’s my criterion. If I’m repulsed, I move on. Anything else is fair game. In fact, I purposely go for the average-looking guys (not the gorgeous ones) because I think I have a better shot in getting a response from them. I don’t think any of this is unusual or objectionable.
About my nose – as I said up front, I have actually grown into my big nose (physically and mentally) as an adult, and I consider it a distinguishing part of my face now. It’s my heritage, and I’m cool with that. The unfortunate part is that it’s one of many things about my face that makes it inherently “not pretty” in the traditional sense of the word.
I think one of the many problems with online dating is that people’s standards are much higher online than in person, as we are all well aware. It also doesn’t help that the NYC dating scene is notoriously superficial, even compared to online dating in other major cities. It’s tough out there, and it’s unfortunate that there’s always a boat-load of girls out there with a better looking headshot than mine, so I am constantly dismissed in favor of the cute blond.
Finally, this is nothing new. I’ve been dealing with my appearance for 30 years. The issue just happens to get magnified as an inherent side effect of online dating, which, to put in bluntly, really fucking sucks.
That is all. : )
March 31st, 2010 at 8:34 pmThe Dateable Dork´s last blog ..Unfortunate
I have to agree with Hammer to some degree, it’s partially about face but also a lot about body. I might not email someone unless they have a couple of full body shots. Take some new pictures and MAKE SURE that your pics are great, especially your primary profile pic. That can’t be overemphasized.
Here’s a tip, change your primary profile pic on a regular basis, like say once per week. Guys who do power searches (like me) can immediately spot when a new pic appears, and it’s like a siren going off. That will get you more clickthroughs on your profile.
April 6th, 2010 at 4:28 pmLance´s last blog ..How to Act Dumb (Or Smart) And Be More Attractive