T-minus 4 days till moving day… cue music of doom…

And it doesn’t hurt that Anthony Kiedis is totally freaking hot.  Love the long hair in that video.  LOVE it.

Swoon.  : )

There was once a time when I could tell you everything, when you were my BFF, when I would tell you things that I didn’t tell anyone else, and when I could write freely and openly and really spill my guts to you.  Remember those days?  Ah yes, I remember them fondly.  But blog, what happened to us?  Why aren’t you my BFF anymore?  I have to admit, my dear blog, that I have some interesting information that I’ve been mulling over for a few days now, and I’ve been holding out on you all this time.  Yes, you read that right.  I’ve betrayed you, and I just don’t think I feel comfortable putting my guts out on the table with you anymore.  What a sad, sad situation this has become.

Is it because someone in my real life barged into our little world that time?  Is it because I’ve grown jaded and vulnerable and can’t bear to cut open that scar tissue anymore?  What is it, blog?  What happened to our great relationship?

It’s only the posts that leave me the most exposed, the most naked, the most raw and imperfect that I can’t bear to share with you anymore.  The posts that truly define me as a human being.  The posts that I started up this blog to write about in the first place.  The best posts, really.  The posts that help me deal with things, that help me get things out of my head, that free me from that internal chaos that stews and festers and drives me crazy. 

I don’t know what to tell you, my dear blog.  There’s something missing between us now.  I hate that it’s missing, and I don’t know how to fix it.  I miss you.  I want you back.  I don’t where to go from here.

Love always,

~DD

Ok, just had to get that out.  : )

Daniel Craig.  Hugh Jackman.  Shirtless.  There was screaming.  I will be completely incapacitated until further notice.

What do you think?  Ladies, have you dressed up in sexy little numbers like this for your man?  Guys, have you purchased these types of things as gifts for your wives/girlfriends? 

I totally get off on the power/domination aspect of it, which is one of the reasons why I loved that referee costume.  With the Santa outfits, it’s not so much a power thing, but those costumes are just SO friggin cute.  I mean, come on!  Who wouldn’t want to unwrap that at the end of a long day?  Not to mention the fact that the models on that site are HOT and could probably sell ice to an eskimo, as they say.

Anyway… I’m just pondering some potential holiday purchases… and pondering how to wrangle an unsuspecting victim into my lair to unwrap that Christmas present.  : )

Please mind your manners, my dears.  While the purpose of this blog is informal entertainment, please remember that there’s a real human being behind the scenes.  I respect you as human beings entitled to your opinions, and I expect the same in return.

~DD

Now that he’s leaving the blogosphere, I have to make a confession – I’ve always had a little behind-the-scenes internet crush on The Virgin.  There was just something about the brutal honesty in his writing, and I could relate to some of the dating-related angst/anguish that he’s been through.  Also, I have it on good authority that the The Virgin, despite all his talk about his non-stellar appearance, is actually a cutie and has been hiding it from us all this time.  Oh, the humanity!  Hopefully single women in his neck of the woods will open their eyes and give this guy the amazing headboard-breaking sex he deserves.

Anyway, if you haven’t been keeping up with his site, head on over for his final post before the whole thing magically disappears into the cyberspace black hole.  Virgin – best of luck!  Go forth and GET LAID (again), my dear!!!  : )

Yes, that’s right, I have an absolutely uncontrollable desire to lick their necks.  Do not question my craziness, for it is deeply established and utterly inexplicable.  One must simply accept these things for what they are.  I am surrounded by these well-dressed, clean-shaven, 30-something men as I fly through the belly of the city, and while I should be focusing on the day ahead, all I can think about is the scrumptious taste of those soft, clean necks on my wet, hungry, man-deprived tongue.  God only knows what I would give for a sudden, sharp turn on the tracks that would involuntarily launch me toward one of the gorgeous adoni, my tongue outstretched for just a meager sampling of their delicious nectar. 

Boys, watch out for me tomorrow morning.  I don’t know how much longer I can restrain myself.  : )

Many, many thanks to whoever voted for for me (if you did, please let me know so I can thank you personally!), and as always, a million virtual orgasms to everyone who reads my humble little site. 

*shakes head in disbelief*

Definitely go check out the full list because there are a bunch of really quality blogs on there, and even some bloggy friends of mine who are very dear to my dorky little heart.  Congrats to all and mad props to us for being so hip and so “Gen Y,” whatever that means.  Yay bloggers!

Truth is, I haven’t been feeling like DD in quite a while now, and especially in the past few weeks.  My dating/sex life has died a miserable death and has been non-existent for several months now.  I’ve lost that exciting boy-crazy feeling that I’ve had pretty much constantly for the past few years.  I couldn’t give a flying fuck about dating right now – I just can’t be bothered with it.  Dating is such a big fucking emotional roller coaster, it’s so emotionally exhausting, and with the kinds of results I’ve been getting over the past year, it’s SO not worth my time, energy, and money.  I can’t handle it!  I’m sick of getting excited and then being disappointed.  I’m sick of guys being interested one minute and disappearing the next.  I’m sick of losing out to the pretty girls, and I’m sick of combing through clueless virgins living in their mother’s basement who think that maybe a big dork like me might be willing to date their fat ass – no thanks.  Screw that shit!

I’m completely jaded, and I need a break.  I need a break from thinking about men, trying to get a date, trying to get laid, etc.  I need to focus on other things, more productive things, things that actually have a half-decent chance of getting me somewhere, instead of this mind-numbing cycle of dating that always, ALWAYS leaves me right back where I started, with nothing to show for it except a few more emotional scars and a few less dollars in my bank account. 

That’s not to say I’m giving up completely, but I just can’t put any more energy into it right now.  My physical scars are still healing (and getting a little better every day, thank god), and I feel as if my emotional scars are so numerous and so all-encompassing that I just don’t have any room for new ones right now.  Over the past week, I’ve been focusing on other aspects of my life that I enjoy, not to mention my ongoing goal of losing weight, which is actually going quite well.  I’ve lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks, which I think is fantastic.  I don’t think I’ve ever eaten healthier in my life, and I love the way I look right now.  My clothes fit, and I feel great.  These are the kinds of things I need in my life right now – healthy goals that I can actually achieve on my own (without the need for anyone or anything else).

I could get into all the details of my emotional state right now, but suffice it to say that I’ve temporarily decided to shift focus to preserve my own mental health.  I’m sure DD will still be around, somewhere, but right now I need to focus on the real person behind this blog – the 29-year-old woman who is about to be promoted at work, who recently lost 10 pounds without any magic pills (just diet and exercise), and who has better things to do with her life than trying to find a man who will inevitably disappoint her.  Sounds like a healthy plan to me.

http://www.xkcd.com/566/ - Re: “The Matrix.”  I first saw this movie on the first day of my sophomore year in college, 1999.  Can’t believe that was 10 years ago!  And although the sequels pretty much sucked, I still always get turned on by that steamy Keanu Reeves sex scene in the underground human city.  Super hot.  Rock my futuristic virtual world, Keanu!

http://www.xkcd.com/567/ - Re: electricity.  As a big dork, I couldn’t resist this one.  Just goes to show that sometimes science is completely arbitrary!  But mostly not… kind of.  Wait, as a science dork, is that blasphemy?  : )

http://www.xkcd.com/572/ - Re: schmoopiness.  Sometimes those pesky scavenger hunt items are just impossible to find.  Damn it all to hell!

http://www.xkcd.com/583/ - Re: human reproduction.  This is what happens when a dork writes a comic about sex.  I almost fell out of my chair after reading this.  Love it!  I guess this is the epitome of being a dateable dork.  Or something like that.

Enjoy, my dears.  If nothing exciting happens to me in the next few days, I might just have to post my favorite LOLcats.  Oh yeah, you know you want it…

[Don't worry - no plot spoilers.]

Where shall I begin?  The movie was good, and there was a lot of action, special effects, backstory revealed, etc… but every once in a while I would find myself completely confused because I had been gawking at Hugh and not paying attention to the storyline.  Good guys, bad guys, whatever.  Too busy to follow along… need to stare at Hugh some more. 

As we all know, my boyfriend (ummm, that’s Hugh) has been in all sorts of other movies, most of which I’ve seen.  And we all know that he’s a sexy beast and would all probably give an arm and a leg to lick the sweat off his bulging biceps and chiseled abs.  But, my dears, this movie was different.  This movie really catapulted Hugh from “sexy beast” status to “OMG FUCK ME NOW” status.  I swear, I was drooling the entire time.  As Wolverine, Hugh is so amazingly MANLY and rugged and built and strong, and I find myself BEGGING for him to slam me up against the wall and have his manly way with me.  Oh, to be ravaged by such a manly beast… I’m feeling faint just thinking about it.

What I really loved (and couldn’t really find any good photos of, which is a damn shame) is the combination of haircut and beard that he rocks throughout the movie.  So rugged yet so sexy.  Not to mention the amazingly jacked body and unbelievably delicious (and sometimes painted-on) wardrobe.  At one point we see him as a lumberjack, and ladies, I swear, I almost died.  Hugh Jackman as the lumberjack Wolverine is an image that will forever be burned onto my brain, fueling many long years of sexual fantasies, wet panties, and new battery purchases.  My sad little explanation really doesn’t to it justice at all.  Trust me when I say that you MUST go see this movie, not so much for the X-Men stuff, but just to see Hugh in that flannel shirt/lumberjack outfit.  Trust me.

And if the hair, beard, and lumberjack shirt weren’t good enough (and trust me, they totally were), Hugh decides to give us a little extra treat by walking around naked and even flashing his rock-hard ass at the camera a few times.  Oh, the humanity.  People, I can feel my heart racing as I type this.  I really don’t think I have ever seen such a perfect male specimen.  He is the absolute ideal, utter perfection.  Oh Hugh, what I would give to drag my tongue all over your perfectly-tanned, wet skin!  What I would give to succumb to your every desire!  Ohhhhhhh dear lord I think I am about to pass out…

Anyway, the point is this: The image of Hugh Jackman in “Wolverine” has just ruined all other men for me.  Sorry boys, but you all pale in comparison.  I may as well just give up dating right now… but ohhhhhhh it was totally worth it.  : )  *drool*

This morning I impulsively and hastily sent off a one-line email (Happy Birthday!  Hope you’re well!) to his old work address, which I found out a few minutes later (via an oh-so-personal autoreply) is no longer active.  I guess he doesn’t work there anymore?  Then I started googling him and found his LinkedIn profile, and I assume I can somehow get in touch with him on there, but I stopped myself.  It was kind of too late, though, because I saw the thumbnail of his photo on his profile, and it just brought all these old feelings flooding back to the forefront.

Why did I stop myself?  One simple reason: if we get back in touch, we’re going to start talking and updating each other on what we’ve been up to, and if I find out that he’s married, I’m going to have a mental breakdown.  If I find out he’s not seeing anyone, I’m going to want to try to get back together.  Neither of these are good things.  Seriously.

But I sit here tonight, scared out of my mind, wanting to contact him but telling myself to let it go, staring at the straw on my coffee table (remember that post from the old blog?) that is STILL lying untouched, crooked, gathering dust.  I sit here, looking at the photo of us that I still keep on my bookshelf, holding on to that one last reminder of what used to be.

I wonder if I’ll ever really get over him.  I wonder if I’ll ever really want to.

Hope you all have a great Valentine’s Day, and I hope we all get LAID!!!  : )

As for the trip, it was actually friggin awesome and even included some drunken debauchery.  Update coming soon.  : )

Edited to add: Ok, comments are back, but I’m still working out a few kinks… please bear with me as I straighten everything out.  Thanks, peeps!

Even more stuff: I finally got myself a Gravatar.  Sexy, no?  : )

Anyway, the point of this story is that if you want a little low-cost high and also happen to need to get rid of a runny nose, this stuff is for you.  Go forth and fly around in a magical phone booth, and then report back with all the funky details.  Enjoy!

I think I share a common sentiment around the world today – I hope Obama lives up to everything that we’re expecting of him… and we’re expecting a lot.  He has my support, and based on the news coverage today, he has the support of this country and many others.  I’m looking forward to the years ahead, and I’m looking forward to the “change we need.”

Good luck, President Obama.  I’m proud to stand behind you.

I’m not getting laid… on purpose.

Long-time readers will recall a time when I was getting laid left and right and was juggling multiple men, multiple dates, and multiple orgasms.  But here’s the deal: there are a bunch of things going on in my life right now (most of which I don’t get into on the blog) that put dating very low on the priority list these days.  Sad, but true.  It’s just not in the cards right now.  Hence, this blog ain’t what it used to be.  I accept that.

When long-time, loyal readers point out that even a hook-up with long-time ass-clown Hot Marine would probably be better than my current situation (which is probably true), I know that I’ve really hit the bottom of the barrel.  But, it is what it is.

Although this blog’s original purpose was to chronicle my dating drama, it also serves as an outlet for me to express my daily stream-of-consciousness and rant and rave about whatever happens to be on my mind.  Is my life a little less exciting in the dating department these days?  Yes.  Is the blog suffering for it?  Yes, I admit that.  But again, it is what it is.

All I can say is that when I do have some exciting man-drama to share, you’ll be the first to know.  This blog is me, for better or worse.  And that’s all I’ve got for tonight.  : )

Edited to add: This post has been getting absolutely pummeled with spam, so comments on this post are now closed.  Sorry, peeps!  One hundred years of sex-less misery to all spammers and their evil robots.

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Dear Santa,

Not sure if it’s too late to be asking you for stuff for this Christmas (seeing how it’s only a day or two away), but here are some things to keep in mind for next year… you know, if I’ve been a good girl (ahem) and deserve a little treat or two.  : )

- I never want to have to cook ever again.  Ever.  Again.  I think I did more cooking this weekend than I’ve done in the past few months combined.  Granted, I think my grandmother’s Italian recipes have finally clicked, and I think I successfully whipped up a fantastically delicious (albeit very high-calorie) Christmas feast.  But yeah, enough with the cooking.  Please send me a houseboy wearing nothing but a pair of snowman boxers (do we really need to get into this story again?) to prance around my kitchen and cook for me whenever I please.

- And speaking of houseboys, please make sure that the one you send me is of excellent quality with respect to the following: handsome face, cute haircut, totally built body (a six-pack is an absolute MUST), impressive stamina, and all-knowing sexual prowess.  Oh, and of course, he’ll need a gorgeous cock for me to play with.  Of course.

- Santa, you know me pretty well at this point, right?  We’ve been through a lot of Christmases together, and you’ve always come through with nice shiny presents for me to open and all that good stuff.  Right?  You’ve got my back, right Santa?  Ok, good.  So here’s the deal.  Please listen carefully.  No more stupid boys.  I repeat, no more stupid boys.  I can accept a stray idiot here and there, somehow squeezing through the rigorous filter that you usually use to ensure that I get nice quality boys, but Santa, enough is enough.  What happened this year?  Is the filter clogged, and now you just send me whatever asshole happens to be wandering around the North Pole?  This has got to stop, really.  I’m serious.  No more stupid boys.  No more virgins living with their mother (ran into WAY too many of those already).  No more flaky boys who disappear into thin air.  No more boys who string me along while they’re getting back with their ex-girlfriend.  No more idiots who can’t carry on an intelligent conversation.  No more super-clingy leeches.  No more ghetto gangstas.  Got it?  Ok, good.  I expect some quality this year.  Please, Santa, cut a girl some slack.

- I want cookies.  Lots of cookies.  And please find a way to make them fat-free but still delicious.

- I’d like an apartment in New York that doesn’t require me to sell an organ every time I have to pay the rent.  (I know this is a tough one, but work with me here.)

- Please move my office cubicle so that it is adjacent to the window.  Sunlight is nice.  Fluorescent-light hell is not.  Note that this is a minor request, easy to fulfill… I expect this wish to be granted.  Thanks in advance.  : )

- And finally, if you’re in a REALLY good mood and feel like making me the happiest girl on earth (please please please!), please send me Tobey Maguire.  (Santa, are you ok?  Did you faint or something?)  I mean, seriously, I would never ask you for anything else ever again.  I want the upside-down Spiderman kiss.  I’m sure I could think of other things to do with him upside-down as well.  Oh Santa, just promise me you’ll think about it.  Please?  Please?????

Hugs and kisses,

The Dateable Dork

***************

Happy Holidays, everyone!  I’ll be away from the computer for the next few days, but I’ll be back later in the week.  Enjoy the holidays, and may you all get exactly what you want from Santa this year.  (And don’t go stealing my houseboy out of Santa’s sleigh – that one’s MINE.)  : )

What were you doing ten years ago?

Way back in 1998, I was a freshman in college desperately trying to lose my obnoxious New York accent and get used to the idea of co-ed shower rooms.  (Hahaha, I didn’t need much time to get used to that!)  I was drowning in calculus and physics and wearing baggy pants and the remainder of my flannel shirts.  I thought it was totally amazing that I could go to class wearing regular clothes (i.e., no Catholic school uniform).  Wow.

What’s on your to-do list for today?

Since it’s the end of the day, how about stuff that I already did (wow, I’m so productive!)?  I stayed in bed for an extra half hour this morning fantasizing about juicy men from earlier this year.  Yum yum.  I sat on never-ending dorky conference calls at work.  I ate too many Christmas cookies.  I picked up my car from the shop.  I learned that rotors are something to do with brakes, and now I have some new ones.  (Hahaha, I never said I knew anything about cars!)

What are your favorite snacks?

Cheese.  Macaroni and cheese.  Cheese and crackers.  Maybe some chocolate.  Then more cheese.

What would you do if you were a millionaire?

Holy shit, now I’m getting all excited.  What would I do, you ask?  Build myself a walk-in shoe closet and FILL IT WITH AWESOME SHOES.  Wear my awesome shoes all over the place and revel in how fabulous my feet would look.  Strut my sweet little self into a [insert good place to meet men], blatantly display my kick-ass shoes, and land myself one of the delicious items from the wishlist in the sidebar.  See?  I have it all planned out.  : )

Where have you lived?

Ummm…. New York?  Even when I was away at school, my driver’s license has always had a New York address.  No, I am not proud of the fact that I’ve essentially lived in the same place my entire life.  Wait… yes I am.  I love New York.  You got a problem with that?  : )

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That’s all I’ve got, my dears.  If this list didn’t satisfy your undying thirst for random information about me, please ask away in the comments.  If you’re rolling your eyes at my boring day and obsession with cheese and shoes, I feel ya.  It’s Monday.  What can I say?

So, I mentioned in my last post that the main reason I started up this new site is because this blog makes me happy, plain and simple.  I love writing, chatting, and yes, taking the occasional photo of myself in my sexy underwear.  Is that really so bad?  I didn’t think so.  : )

But here’s the deal: I really felt like shit after what I’ll call “the incident” that resulted in taking down the old blog.  I mean, to have someone who’s really into you read all the dirty details about your life and end up completely revolted and never wanting to see you again… well, let me tell ya, that fucking sucks.  For a while I thought that I was a really horrible, awful person.  What other explanation could there be?  I had convinced myself that if anyone ever got to know the real DD, inside and out, they would surely be just as horrified as that poor guy that I had been dating.  Apparently my real personality was just so revolting that I had resolved to never show it to anyone ever again.  (Pretty messed up, right?)  I was in a pretty shitty state for a few weeks, until I realized what was wrong with me:

I needed to embrace the inner DD.

There’s a big part of my personality (the sexy dork part) that is just totally inappropriate to express in normal social situations, so I choose to express it here on the blog.  Without this site, I would be repressing my inner DD, and you all know that would just suck the sexiness right out of her.  And people, we can’t have that.  It’s bad enough that she gets repressed most of the time anyway!  I have to be a professional dork at work, I have to be a good Catholic girl around my family, and even my friends are significantly more conservative than I am.  I just can’t seem to find people in my real life who can roll with my craziness, so I use this site as an outlet for all my inappropriate thoughts, comments, fantasies, rants and raves, etc.  Why the hell not? 

So I finally decided that my personality isn’t all that horrible after all.  In fact, I fucking love it!  It’s me, and I need to embrace that.  And here’s another important realization: I need to find a guy who can embrace the inner DD as well.  Clearly I’ve dated some guys who were NOT cool with all my shit, and that is NOT cool with me.  I mean, you’re supposed to be all sexy and hot and dirty with your significant other, right?  I need a man who can handle the fact that I’m a dork by day and sex kitten by night.  And boys, if you can’t handle it, please just MOVE ALONG.

During my little hiatus, I did a lot of reading on blogging and setting up a website and all that good stuff, and one thing I read really stuck with me.  One of the books started off by saying that everyone has a different reason for writing/blogging/etc., and it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as the experience fulfills your own personal goals.  When I read that sentence, I had no idea what my reasons were.  I was still kind of depressed and hating myself and being a big pouty mess.  I was like, “I don’t know WHAT the fuck my reasons are, because clearly everything just blew up in my face!”  Man, what a downer.  But after I decided to embrace all my craziness and roll with it, I realized that this blog allows me to express, on a daily basis, all the stupid things that I can’t express in real life.  I mean, if I wind up making out with some funky guy in a bar, who I am going to share all the dirty details with???  My conservative friend/coworker at the office?  My mom?  The old lady down the street?  No, my friends, I share these things with you.  Now don’t you feel special?  : )

In other news, today I put up my miniature plastic Christmas tree (it’s a classic, trust me) and meticulously arranged a bunch of lights in my windows – can’t believe the holidays are upon us.  And good thing I’m feeling much happier/cheerier these days, because I can’t be grumpy when I unwrap up all my presents!  Now if only I could receive a gift wrapped in cute little boxers and some whipped cream…. yum yum, baby.  Merry Christmas, indeed.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the 5-minute synopsis:  I had a blog for about a year.  It was friggin awesome.  I wrote all sorts of crazy shit about my dating/sex life.  Guys faded in, and guys faded out.  But throughout all this, my cute little blog kept me sane and provided a therapeutic outlet for me to rant and rave to my little heart’s desire.  My blog was my baby.  We had a great relationship.  It didn’t even leave the toilet seat up like all the guys that I dated!  Wow.  Then one day one of the aforementioned guys I was dating stumbled upon my little blog, read all the aforementioned crazy shit about my personal life, and dumped by ass hardcore.  Ouch.  Not only was I totally embarrassed and bummed out, but I was nervous about people in my real life (e.g, boss, clients, mom and dad) finding the site and having a similar reaction.  So I killed my blog.  Then I proceeded to feel like shit for two months until I came to a very important conclusion:

This blog makes me happy.

Yes, my dears, it’s that simple.  I spent a lot of time trying to think of all sorts of great excuses for bringing this blog back, trying to please every possible person who might stumble across this site and wonder why the heck I’m back here putting all my personal shit out on the internet.  I would lie awake in bed at night coming up with excuses.  It was totally friggin ridiculous and a complete waste of time.  Then one day I went for a walk on a nice fall afternoon, and as I was breathing in the fresh, cool air, the “blog = happiness” conclusion hit me like a firm slap on my sweet little ass. 

Mad props and many thanks to a trusted friend who, upon hearing that I killed the old blog, replied with this little gem:

“DD, that is a really stupid idea.”

So simple!  Who knew?  Another friend’s response:

“What?!?!?!?”

Apparently I was the only one who was in the dark on this issue, and people, I have seen the light.  Hence my triumphant return.  Ahem.

So that’s the story.  I heart blogging.  And you know what else?  I miss the blogosphere (that means you).  Yes, you should feel very special.  One thousand virtual orgasms to everyone reading this.  So glad to be back!

Deliciously yours,
DD